Context, I guess: I come from an abusive and violent household.

I've been self-harming since I was a little kid. Nothing serious. Hitting myself, destroying my belongings, et cetera. I've been severely traumatized throughout my life by abusers and violence. Just last year, I was at the mercy of a violent roommate with guns. The police did nothing (because I was in the ghetto, I'm sure). My therapist abused me as well. He said it was my fault because "my personality attracts abuse" and I "deserve to be treated badly for being stupid."

I've been seeing doctors for 20 years now. Therapists for 10. Both have abused me as well. I've only had one therapist who didn't, and 3 docs who didn't.

A lot of people would take it out on others, I suppose. Be the bully in school, or start abusive relationships. I took it out on myself to avoid doing that, and because I had bad support it got worse. So I get into self-bashing periods when I'm depressed. I mean serious bashing. Cruel, heartless things you would never tell another human being. And it makes me feel better?

It seriously does. Treating myself badly is like taking Xanax. Cutting and what not. How does someone overcome that? I'm afraid of therapists and docs, so I don't discuss things with them out of fear I'll be abused again. There's A LOT I don't tell them out of fear.

I'm damaged goods, I won't lie. I have a lot of scars, both mental and physical. My 28 years have been about surviving, alone, and doing whatever was necessary to get through the day unscathed.

So I'm wondering if anyone has any input for a very damaged man who was traumatized by therapists so badly that seeing one makes him suicidal sometimes. I'm scared to death of therapists and doctors. So I don't want that to be an answer.