It's crazy making. You have a right to your own feelings. If you feel that something is wrong, IT IS and you have a right to be HEARD. Yes, there are always ups and downs.There are always reasons we hold on for so long but the "good" moments don't negate or erase the bad. Those things still happened and they still matter and yes they still hurt.

My abusive Ex was a psychologist and she was the one who told me I needed a therapist because she didn't want deal with "[MY] 'issues'". The irony, of course, is that it was the best thing I did for myself and it was my therapist was the one who helped me recognize the emotionally controlling and abusive patterns of the relationship.

I held on for a long time because it felt like things were getting better in some ways. She acknowledged the worst of the behavior and we were seeing a counselor but anytime I needed to be heard, have my own anger, have my own upset, wasn't perfect — things blew up again. She really just expected me to forgive and forget every.single.time. My Ex couldn't deny the bigger fights - she would say horrible things but the apologize and expect us to make up from it all in a Day. I played along for years. I tried to fix myself to fix "Us". Trying to fix ab abuser- or fix 'yourself' to avoid their abuse just doesn't work.

Are you able to go see a therapist for yourself? Please try to TALK TO SOMEONE, anyone , a trusted friend or family member about what's going on. You are not crazy to feel upset and you have a right to talk to someone about it. Just tell someone that you're struggling. My only regret is that I kept it all to myself and my therapist. I wish I had spoken more among our friends about what I was going through. I let her control the narrative.

In the meantime, if you can keep it safe, keep a journal of everything your feeling. When fights happened, write down what was said, when, and how it made you feel. You'll need this later when he tries to gaslight you and say it didn't happen.

You deserve respect no matter what.
You deserve love no matter what.