But did they?

NOT A %#@&#! CHANCE.

Started meds a few weeks ago, and next week I see the pdoc and he's probably going to up my meds. Since they're not really working ...

I had a complete breakdown this morning at 2am. I phoned and left a message for my chaplain. I phoned a friend. Nobody to talk to except online and that was pointless. My roomate, who I NEVER see, came to the bathroom and asked if I was alright. I went and gorged on junk food to feel better. Then my friend tracked me down, but she mostly talked about herself.

I WAS DOING SO WELL.

I didnt have negative thoughts. I wasn't thinking about SIng. I wasn't thinking about drinking myself into a stupor.

And I hate the fact that all I want is a hug and to hang out and not be forced to play 'counsellor'. I want to have fun. I don't want the constant stress of university.

I %#@&#! HATE UNIVERSITY. Profs expect enough, then I try to be a good person and do stuff for the different groups I'm a part of, and do my volunteering at the chaplaincy on campus...

And I'm %#@&#! going insane.

My family hasn't contacted me in WEEKS.

I cant clean. I cant make myself eat. All I want to do is crawl into bed and die. I try to read posts here, and I couldnt because it all hurt too much.

My shoulders/neck/back all hurt because of my wheeling and my constant knots.

I dont get to see my T until next Monday because I thought I could go 2 weeks without becoming a basket case.

I thought wrong.

I cant do this. I dont have time to do this. I cant breakdown. I'm irritable, I'm moody, I'm stressed, I'm depressed and I'm %#@&#! sick of it all.

Bye-bye positivity. I did try, and was successful for a week. That's good right?

Nothing is working out like it should. And nobody is around to talk to, because they're busy. I just want to be normal. I just want to have control over stuff again.

Otherwise I *know* I wont make it to 300 days SI free, I'll start drinking again, I'll sleep all day, and I'll just generally get more depressed and self-destructive.

And I *really* dont want thaty to happen.

But I'm so lonely and I dont feel loved anymore by anyone.

%#@&#!.