To be honest, I'm not sure where to start. So I'll begin with how I am physically/socially and how I am mentally/emotionally. I socialize with most people where I work and family members when I see them. How I am with other people is normal. I'm basically a normal person when hanging around other people. But when I see or hear certain things (something on TV or a song or whatever) or even begin to think on things of the past that make me internally angry I become different. No one knows this or can even tell because I keep it inside. But my anger about certain painful things that has happened awakens a deep hatred within me. That hatred breeds a bloodlust. I know this doesn't make sense but I'm trying to explain it. This bloodlust isn't your average hot headed angry individual who is blinded by rage. This bloodlust I have makes me a totally different person. Almost like I'm in a hysterical state. Always smiling with gritted teeth and breathing heavily and I my body shakes. I hate to say it but it's almost like a possession in a way. It's like my entire body is coursing with power beyond measure. I haven't been "fully bloodlusted" in a very long time. But at times I can feel it brewing inside me, but only if I fall into an emotional state that triggers my hatred. I don't know if there is anyone here who even comes close to feeling the same way or can even begin to know what I'm talking about. But I'm not ok with this. I'm tired of being a monster. I don't need to know why this happens. I already know why I am this way. I want to know how to put an end to it. Or maybe control it.