You won't kill yourself. Trust me... You don't even really know how to do it in the best way. Besides, it takes much much more pain than this to actually do it. Hugs from me! I called suicide prevention also once. Only answer I got: Go to hospital! Yeah, great encouragement. Take few benzos, calm down, sleep over and tell your therapist everything you want. I can be your therapist also I know much about psychology and psychotropic medicine and a way I can give you hope. I was very down so much times... So I'm here if you need anything. Always!