I feel like I have to make an update on my life, because a lot as been happening and I mostly go like I don't really care...one day at a time...glad the day is finally finished...

I don't have a special pleasure in going to work. Sometimes beause of what they say people make think that I only have two options, loving what I do or change it. So I feel I will only be doing the right thing if I love what I do, but this doesn't make sense. I have the right to not love what I do and still want to continue to do it.

The thing that I like the least about what I do, is how social it is. When I was still at school, I could go to class, sit quietly, and go back home without interacting with anyone. Now I can't, I have to talk to lots of people daily. And this is all that is needed to rise my fears and my insecurities. It's a chalenge.
I decided to change the way I think so I can be less shy and less insecure.
I come home after work and in my head I can't stop remembering what I did wrong, what some people thought about what I did. I mostly fear that they find me unfit for my job because I am "shy" and show doubt about what I say.
Today, right now, my thoughts about other people's thoughts about me are eating me inside. I know they are stupid, I know they will go away, but I can't help it. I am determined to change this and so I am trying to convince myself how unreasunable my thoughts are.
I am hoping that by changing my thoughts I will change my insecure behaviour. But I don't know how far can I change it, and it worries me.

So I could intrepret all this like the vicious cicle of being shy and thinking I didn't done things right. But I am afraid that I lack the social chip and whatever I do I will never be able to build real relationship with people, so no matter how much confident I look like I will ever do something that will give people a reason to think I am a weirdo.

In what extent I don't have friends because I just don't care about people that much? Because I don't have real interests and so I will never have something to talk about? There are so many variables about me that I don't know if tackling this one problem is the solution.

I wish I could understand myself better. I try to put myself into boxes so I can know what to expect, but different assorting seems equally possible right. Is it anxiety? Is it depression? Is it a personality disorder? Are them all together? What is each one's contribute?

My doctor thinks I have a schizoid trait, but I know myself better than she does and I just can't be sure. I don't want to be what schizoid means, I don't want to be allof and unsensitive. I don't want to be that person that doesn't care about anything and anyone, that isn't the concept of a what a good person is that I have.
But what does that mean? That, because I don't accept it, I can't be like this at my core or that I should start to accept it and settle because it is who I am?

I don't expect anyone to know the answears.
Any way, I know how confusing my text is. I tried the best I can to explain myself...