Thank you everyone for your kind support

I don't think I'm that bad to go to ER right now, and when it gets really intense, I don't have energy to reach out to people.

I'm considering medication, but I'm kind of afraid of telling doctor I'm suicidal. Primary cares are not very familiar with mental health issue, I heard, and I'm scared of how they react. My therapist is recommending meds too, but I keep refusing. I cannot see pdoc without referral, so I cannot skip this step.

I know I looks totally normal and fine. Maybe just a little but anxious. I know how to pretend as if I'm OK, but I don't know how to ask help. I feel embarrassed and scared. I feel really stuck.

I'm scared of night. I hate the feeling another painful day will start soon.