Alcohol does help...but since there's a history of alcoholism in my family and based on my own personality and how much I'm around alcohol, I'm probably a pretty high risk at becoming an alcoholic if I'm not careful. And so I'm apprehensive to use it in such a medicating way...if I was already drinking because it was part of what I was already doing that evening, then fine.

I think it also helps me to be in control and to be the one initiating. Then there's no grey area of consent. I've had a really hard time communicating a "no". Either being unable/afraid to voice anything or it just not being heard/understood/listened to. Or I feel incredibly guilty saying no.

As for abuse...I suppose I've experienced/witnessed verbal/emotional/psychological abuse. I don't know...I have trouble calling it that, but I've had therapists look shocked when I've told them about it, so apparently it was bad? I've had a lot of experiences where I got into a sexual situation not realizing that was what was going to happen. You know how there's these subtle hints that imply sex could happen? Like say you wanted to see the inside of a frat house when you're in college (because you're curious) because you literally wanted to see it, but that's implying you want sex I guess. I didn't know until afterwards. There's been a number of other incidences but I don't really want to describe all of them. You could make a case that I've felt sexually assaulted, but I'm not sure if it would have met any legal standard (because of the consent issue I have)

But I've apparently had touch issues since I was a baby. I remember my mom saying I couldn't stand to be swaddled or something. I had a literal allergy to touch as a child. I didn't really get a lot of physical affection (or enough to take it's place) and I'm honestly not sure if I ever bonded with my parents the way I was supposed to. Touch is still somewhat foreign to me and not a "normal" way to show affection. I still have to consciously think what to do with my hands during sex or foreplay which makes it hard to relax and enjoy anything.

As for ADD, I suspect I could have that...I have a hard time focusing and there seems to be a million things exploding through my mind, especially during sex/foreplay. And it's the whole concentrating on what I'm supposed to do when that is really distracting. I've also suspected the possibility that I could be on the autism spectrum or have some sort sensory issue. I've had trouble with certain sounds over the course of my life...it's gotten worse as I've gotten older. I suspect that's because I was partially deaf as a child (so less things were too loud) and because I've studied music extensively, my ears are extremely sensitive to acoustic phenomenon, but they seem more so than most others with similar backgrounds. I don't know though.

Another thing and I'm surprised I forgot to mention it earlier...I have a lot of shame and guilt about my sexuality in general. I was raised in a very conservative area and I realized at some point that I'm bi (so shame over same sex attraction), gender fluid (so sometimes my physical body doesn't really fit what I want to do sexually...and I often think that I was "ripped off" by being given female body parts that just seem so much less efficient than the male counterparts), and that I'm TOO sexual and a pervert. Sex is often all I think about...to the point it's distracting. Maybe it's because of the super conservative upbringing, but I always had the impression that I wasn't supposed to have any kind of sexual thoughts or interest at all. And it's the opposite for me, so it all seems wrong I guess. But the bisexuality in general has indirectly or directly caused me to lose all close female friendships and I'm just afraid of being found out and I don't really make friends anymore. But I'm probably starting to get off topic...