thanks.. i feel a little better about it...
i feel like i've asked before so im sorry if i did...

i dont have problems with knowing how to do things so much but my focus is really inhibited...
i also dont start doing something and get lost about whats going on (usually) like thinking its a bbq 20 years before but i can forget what im doing quite often...

the somatic concerns is what i put it off on before because the psychologist said it would manifest itself in physical ways... and i just kind of assumed he meant that it could alter my memory and stuff too...

i feel like its dissociation related because my therapists said i dissociate... and because .. urgh i forgot what i was going to say...
well, i have a lot of anxiety and depression... a lot a lot... and i have no choice but to act normal and pretend that everything is fine, its not something that i really control... because if it was up to me i would just be depressed and stay in bed to hide from everyone and everything so that my anxiety wouldnt be so bad... but i just flip over and small parts of me or something handle days that i cant... which is pretty much daily... im not allowed to show depression or anxiety... for some reason...

it makes me feel like a liar because i cant tell what is true anymore.... if im fine, or if im majorly depressed, ect...
my memory problem just makes it easier to switch i guess... im not a liar though, its just out of my control... i know that i have tried talking about it before but i dunno what came of it... i havent been in therapy since december so im falling apart kind of... thankfully i have therapy on the 3rd... i just hope that i dont go in there and be all fine again like normal because i want to talk to her about this stuff...

its just that my memory is so messed up i feel scared that it might be a physical problem... because i read that even with D.I.D. memories stick with the active parts...
and i just dont form memories very well at all... but maybe its because like Luce said and that because my system is so overloaded that my mind is constantly over working and not giving much energy to the memory parts...

the psychologist was flabbergasted by my levels of depression and anxiety and that i wasn't in the hospital... but i just dont want to go to the hospital because it causes more problems for me... being in that setting causes me to be "fine" and i know its not true because im not fine its just because im triggered by being surrounded by people so have no choice but to be fine so that i can try to protect myself from harm...

im always on edge... but the other parts of me you would not be able to recognize because they seem so different and fine... people absolutely love being around me because of it but i hate it because its not who i am... or what i am...

i dunno why the disability people are giving me so much trouble getting disability.... if i could just get the benefits i could get the testing i need done.... but to them i seem fine too... it really sucks and is messing my life up majorly... 27 years old and look at me... some people will tell you that im nicest person they know, smart funny and blahblah... others will tell you that im a party animal... and very few will tell you anything about my depression or anxiety because even the ones that know about it dont really seem to believe it because they see the other sides of me more...

it just sucks that i cant kill this stuff off... and live with the fun side... have a normal life and be happy...

im sick again with a cold so im sorry about the long post my brain is not working, less than usual...