Hopingtrying says it perfectly and I agree - we don't hate you Mapper, we can see that you are stuck and hurting and unable presently to find a way out of that.

I do think you would benefit from support IRL, a therapist could be helpful neutral ground, if you prefer not to talk about the situation with your h then that's okay but talking about why you feel so shy and nervous may be helpful.

None of this is criticism mapper, I have felt nervous/anxious and unable to talk at points in my life and I know how overwhelming it can be. Therapy might just help you deal with your feelings, and help you cope with your situation.