*** Venting ***

Today the feel of guilt is overwhelming. I slept in the afternoon, and when I woke up, some thoughts attacked me from no where and without a warning. Now I feel guilty about being far away from my parents. I especially feel guilty of all the times I fought with my father and made him sad/mad. I feel guilty because no one of my brothers live in the same town or close to them. They are alone. I'm not happy or successful where I am to argue that I'm having at least a better life. From the outside, life is easier. I had (can have) a job. It's easier to have access to health care. It's easier to have access to public transportation and go around the city. It's easier to deal with officials. It's safe ... etc. I guess many would envy me to be in my place, but despite all of that I'm not happy and being in a foreign country is very difficult especially I'm not sociable. I feel so isolated and as a stranger. I'm very conscious of myself when I walk around, and especially when I talk because I have an accent and struggle to communicate sometimes. I cannot help but feel that way. I don't know if blaming them is right or not because they were controlling and critical, and I think they instilled in me the fear of not talking and doing things and encourage us to be outgoing, but I know they did their best for us. To have the things they haven't. My father was raised poor. Maybe that's why he was/is so motivated not to go back where he was once, although in the process he did some damage. But sometimes I wonder if that damage could've been avoided or it was inevitable.