Dear LT,

I have no idea what to say to your e-mails. I don't think they're really about my wife and not telling you about that, are they? They're really about our relationship. But I don't know what to tell you about that. You already said not to say that all of my patients are special to me. But I certainly can't say you're any more special than anyone else. God forbid I say something like that!

And that thing where you want to know if you had some effect on my life, on me personally? Well, for one, taking up lots of my personal time with e-mails! But I probably shouldn't say that because you might not realize it's a joke and will get all upset. Even though probably 30% of what I say isn't serious.

Of course you've had an effect on me, just as all my patients--wait, I'm not supposed to say that to you, am I? I'm just trying to figure out how to respond to you that won't result in a teary phone call. I've certainly screwed some of those up in the past. I mean, that most recent time that you told me you loved me? Yikes, that was rough.

I know you want me to tell you that you're special (and not just like any other patient), that you're important to me, that you've made an impact on my life beyond, say, a steady paycheck, a challenge at times, and some laughter. Because those things are true. You've affected me in more ways than you could ever know. But I'm not going to tell you that. Just because. It's one of my arbitrary boundaries. Just like never saying that I love you, too--PLATONICALLY! That's why I get so weird if you say it to me. Because what do I say back? Apparently not, "That's very kind," because that made you flip out before...OK, not flip out, just have an honest expression of your feelings, which are never right or wrong, but just are (TM MC).

So, maybe I'll just use the cop-out of either not responding or saying we'll talk about it in session. Because then either you'll wimp out, or I can flip the script by asking H how he's feeling right now. And then you'll start crying and say you're sorry for making it about you (even though it's totally fine with me) and back down. So, be ready for that!

Take care,
MC