Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I know I don't open myself up too much to people, so I really do appreciate that you wrote to encourage me. I was scared to read them all because I am not thick-skinned and get hurt extremely easily. Thanks for being so nice.

PC: I sent you a PM. Thanks, hun!

Zen: Hi sweetie. It is so good to hear from you. I wish you all the best, you know. You're the "tough love" lady! Lol! I hope you are doing well.

As to your questions: I have a therapist, but I've only seen her twice. I keep cancelling because...like I said....I tend to take care of myself by myself. It has worked for years....but now, of course, I seem to sputter and tip! But it is sooo difficult for me to actually expose myself to someone......I just can't seem to be that open with someone....I guess because of my abusive marriage. Who knows and who cares? It is what it is.....and I take care of myself. But I seem to be failing now. I have another appointment on the 17th, and I think I will show up for that one. For no other reason other than to say that I'm thinking of cutting again.

I take my meds, and I don't self-medicate with alcohol or illegal substances. I'm a good girl. Lol. But when I find that despair coming on, I tend to take more meds just to save myself. I can't think beyond the next few minutes in front of me. Maybe I will think far enough ahead to figure out what I'll make for supper that night, but then my brain begins to send out feelers to think even further into the future.....and I CAN"T do that.....that brings on the despair. I can NOT think beyond my immediate few minutes.....and by "over medicating", that helps to keep my focus on the immediate timeframe. I can't think beyond or I'll cut.

Well, I guess that was more than I thought I would say. The only time I've ever cut myself was a few months/weeks before I made my suicide attempt. And now I'm thinking of cutting again. So I need to DAZE myself....where I can't think past the immediate few minutes that I exist within. Make sense?? I don't know. But I'm struggling again. And I appreciate that people heard my inadequate attempt to connect with someone. It's a tough road, isn't it?

Take care.

Sandy