My addictions went spiraling out of control. I lost one of my boyfriend's to Crystal Meth and he overdosed. For so long I was depressed, I beat myself up constantly, thought I was a horrible person, stupid, weak, ugly, I hated myself. I abused different kind of pills for years. On top of it I drank and tried other drugs that people in my circle tried. All I ever wanted to do was numb my pain from getting abused as a child and when I was bullied by others. As I was abusing drugs I felt horrible and I hated looking at myself in the mirror. It was the hardest thing I ever had to face and went through in my entire life. I used to lie to my ex boyfriend to go get high with someone else. After I did it and saw him again, I felt horrible and cried in the bathroom when he went to go get something to eat. In the end I left him to go hang out with my new friends that I met and ended up hurting him in the process. As days went by I still thought of him and missed him daily. In the end I fell in love with someone who understood my pain and he went through something similar as me. Often I talked to my ex boyfriend and I wasn't surprised when he hardly spoke to me because I hurt him so much.... and this gave me pain. I was so tired of hurting him and others who I cared about. So many nights I cried and wish I could have rewind back time to get him back because deep down I still loved him. Finally I let go of my old boyfriend the deeper I went and fell more in love with the guy that I was speaking too. He ended up dying and overdosing on me. His addiction was Crystal Meth and it took me awhile to get over him.

In the end I spoke to my old boyfriend again and we re-connected. It took him quite awhile to trust me again. I opened up to him about things that I needed to get off of my chest and clear the air. I lost many friends in my life. It was important to me to clear the air with him. The longer I hung out with him, feelings grew for him once again. One night we fought over the phone and I still can't get what he said to me as he sobbed, "Didn't you know how much I loved you than? Atleast you had my love. I loved you so much." We didn't speak for another month and in the end our connection grew stronger. Him and I still work through together everyday. We may not be together now but our connection with each other, trust and understand of one another is so much better since I've been clean. I smiled so much when I got Christmas presents from him in the mail from him. I lost someone and it affected me deeply. He may not understand it or know the pain I've been through but he does listen. He's very patient and listens to me. He's the same guy I once fell in love with. I'm so much happier since I've clean. I feel as I'm a better person too and I grew stronger. Anytime he messages over Facebook, I can't stop smiling. I promised myself that from now on I'm going to be honest with people and not lie, help others and go to therapy so I can get over my past and do something with my life. I no longer want to feel this pain anymore. I no longer want to numb it anymore. I'm tired of numbing it. I'm a much better person today.