Husband has been home since June. He's trying, doesn't make it less difficult. T said we were playing 'games' because I haven't been open with him about what's really 'going on'.

T switched phones and was transferring texts when she realized there were 5,000 texts from me in 2 years.... and that the relationship needed to change because she was walking with me every single day (at her request might I add) and she couldn't do that anymore, she didn't realize how enmeshed it had become. What irratated me - that I have yet to bring up is she keeps focusing on the 5,000 texts from me.... I just transferred phones and I have a total of 11,000 in our conversation.... meaning sure 5,000 from me but 6,000 from her. So I'm not the 'problem'. I guess I just wish she would say that she sent me that many as well, not just how many I sent her. Does that make sense? Anyway, we are working through things.

Had to change pdocs in Nov since mine let me down big time and I got 'lost' in the system because of it. T was pissed, more than pissed, at her. I like the new one so much better. I feel bad for the previous one, like I am not giving her a second chance or that I'm leaving her. T makes it known that she was the one that abandoned me especially during a big crisis, and she was wrong.

What else is new? I have blackberry colored hair now. Therapy is getting harder as I'm starting to say more about my past. I'm dissociating more, or maybe I just realize it more now that I know what's happening. Working on working together with my inner system, and that's really hard. I've never been open about this with anyone (except 3 people) so me to post about it is a rather large step. I'm still embarrassed about it but I want to accept myself and heal.

I've missed the couch and I hope everyone is doing okay.