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Loner_girl18 · Jan 28, 2017, 02:45 AM

I'm usually a very passive, go with the flow kind of person, and I genuinely get along well with all types of people. The same cannot be said however, for my dad. For years now I've had these thoughts about him, scenarios that would play out in my mind when he made me especially angry.

Possible trigger:

I would imagine stabbing him over and over, and how good it would feel to finally overpower him. Or I would plan out ways that I could kill him without being caught, like poisoning him, or unique ways of disposing of the murder weapon. Most of the time though, the thoughts were gruesome. I would picture myself cutting him just enough so that he would bleed out but not die, so that I could drag out the experience.

I've never liked these thoughts and I always hated myself for having them, especially once my anger disappeared. But the thoughts started to get worse, and not just about my dad.

Possible trigger:

I would see myself strangling my brother, I even put my hands around his throat sometimes. I don't actually ever do anything, but it's like there's always an itch to do it, and when I almost do, it seems like it would feel good, like I'd get a rush/pleasure from it

What is wrong with me? I don't want to hurt my brother or my dad, but the feelings are really strong sometimes, and I'm sometimes scared that I could do it. I don't know what's wrong, and I'm not sure what this would even qualify under...help.