Lying on the settee. Listening to my family waking up. Wishing I was on my own because I can't let them see how I feel and Im going to have to just pretend & I'm just so tired. The sun''s coming through the curtains it makes me feel guilty I should want to be up & happy & doing stuff but I just want to not to anything.

I want to get in touch with a friend let them know I'm struggling but I don't want to bring them down or make them feel they need to keep in touch with me. And what would I say anyway? They've heard it all before. Nothing''s changed and I can't put into words how I feel.

I don't know which one's me anymore. Do I make myself lie here when really I want to be up? Or do I make myself get up when really I want to lie here?

I'm so confused. Sleeping is the only thing that stops the whirring thoughts & constant trying to work out what is which.

Thank you for reading x