Hey guys and girls,

My first post here. Hello!

I have bipolar I and was diagnosed about 10 years ago. During that time I've had a recurring pattern. Stable... Hypomanic... Manic... Psychosis... Depression. From manic to psychosis could go quite fast (say 2 weeks) But depression would last for months. Then i would be ok for some time and stress would start the pattern again. I managed to stop it once at hypomanic, which also led to depression but a bit milder.

The last two years really ****ed me up. I became psychotic and depressed (for months) in 2015 and then again in 2016 leaving me scared and robbed of any confidence in myself and in life. I'm fighting this feeling everyday and I am doing a better. I have some fun, enjoy the time i spent with my girlfriend and am finnishing a master degree in clinical psychology.

Nevertheless i see monsters around every corner and find it difficult to truely relax. Some days I'm good other days I wake up feeling like **** and cry on my way to work. I think of killing myself (never tried it, but I find the idea of just not being here really appealing). I'm really anxious.

This week my girlfriend had to be away for some days for work and this left me really destabilized. My rhytm was messed up and so my mood. This morning i feel like i'm a waste of space. I know this feeling will leave me again. But come on do I have to feel like this every x days?

According to my psychiatrist i'm stable. But that's what bothering me. Is this the best i can be? I would really like to hear from you guys what being stable means for you. It's been a year since my last episode and i want more out of my life. So... Are you really stable? Do you have mood swings all the time? What does it mean to be stable when you're bipolar?

Comments much appreciated!

P.S.

I'm on meds and have a coach to help me out with the daily stuff.