Last night when I got home I just couldn't stop crying. All I did was look at my Xmas tree and I lost it. I think it's because my mom bought my tree, my decorations, and helped me out so much. This is my first year without her around. She and my aunt died this past year. They were both so young. I really wanted to just start slashing my wrists, but fought off the urge. It was like, "I just need a little so I can feel better." I don't want to feel all this pain anymore. I just don't want to go through with the holidays. I want to just crawl into a dark hole and stay there.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I want out of all this pain. I've had enough.