It's ok to cry, let that be your outlet. If it comes like a flood, let it out. You are entitled to your pain and deserving of release, but please don't hurt your self to acheive it. I'm glad that you fought the urge to harm your self, and expressed your feelings here. Christmas is a really hard time for a lot of people, missing family, feeling lonely, I know some people on this site understand well. One day that tree will be a reminder of love more than loss, and you will smile when you see it. Your profile says you are a writer... why not let some things out by writing, post here or in creative corner about your mom and aunt, if you can. Tell us what made your mom the special person she was, and the things you're missing about her right now. Let us be an outlet too, that's what we're all here for. Please share with us, if you can.

"Shared pain lessened, shared joy increased."

If it's ok, I'm sending you a BIG hug. Stay safe, we care about you. 'Harm NONE, do what thou wilt'. That includes you, don't forget that.