I used to love the hospital. Too much. I would go at the drop of a hat. I just felt so safe and cared for. I could actually be myself without having to put on a face. I'm ashamed of how many times I've been hospitalized because of it. Probably only half of them were actually necessary for my safety.

The shortest time I was IP was five days. The longest was seven weeks but that's because I was doing ect and I was extremely suicidal so they wouldn't let me out until the ect improved me significantly.

I still have dreams about the hospital and they are usually comforting dreams. But thankfully I was able to break the cycle and I have not been ip for a year and a half. I'm much better at keeping myself safe on the outside now. And now that my husband is gone it's imperative that I stay out. My mom would take care of my son but it would traumatized him. So last year even though I was suicidal with a plan and very impulsive I just went to a day program instead. I'm very proud of myself for staying out.

If I HAD to go again I wouldn't be opposed but it's very important that I do all I can to stay out.