Every fortnight when I see my T, all the walls come shooting up and for an hour, sitting in that room with her, I am numb to anything and everything. Occasionally she managed to get a little bit of emotion or anxiety out of me, but ultimately, not much at all..
I really like T, she seems to get where i'm coming from, and she appears to be able to decipher my sarcasm relatively well. As I said, the walls shoot up whenever i'm in a session. T knows more about me and the depression that I am stuck in than anyone else, being 1 of maybe 5 people who even know about it, thats not all that hard..
I emailed her one time, a while back, because I needed to say something that I just couldn't say in the session. Ever since then, she encourages the emailing.
This is a good thing for me. I keep telling myself that anyway.. And for a little while there, I began to depend on those emails between session to get me through. But something happened - I dont know what, but I lost the need to email and I lost all sense of understanding and putting words to what I'd been feeling.. So I kind of had a break from the emails - kept them short and sweet..
Until 2 days ago.. There a lot happening in my world, and I tend to block it all out.. Every now and then, it all hits me and I long for someone to talk to about it.. So, she emailed me a few days before, and I replied with a novel. T replied with comfort and reassurance I guess. It takes me days to be able to read what T replies with..
I really did not need to go into this much detail.. But as it goes, the fingers type words and then they cant stop..

Every time I get into this email habit, I feel terrible.. I dont like hassling her and I dont like the feeling of becoming dependant on this system. T constantly reminds me that it is ok, and that she wants me to be emailing... But I cant get past the not ok dependant feeling.. And then I sit on it, and it slowly eats away at me, I lose my motivation to do things that really need to be done, because I just cant step out of the clouds of just needing to have that contact...

How do you get past the guilty feeling? I want to be able to depend a little on this form of communication, but I also really dont.. I want to go back to the empty nothingness that doesnt even have the words to talk...