its embarrassing not knowing whats wrong... but they did tell me i have avoidant personality traits and my therapist said i have borderline personality traits...

so im probably just borderline with avoidant traits... im just trying to explain away the D.I.D. suspicion...

it was years and years ago when i went to ER for that panic attack and they told me i was potassium deficient... i think i was high on meth or something but i didnt tell them... so i guess the drug could of lowered the potassium levels a little to where they recognized it... i've since had blood work done a good amount of time but they never said anything about it since then...

im still gonna talk to them about deficiencies though...
and i dont use drugs like talking about, havent done meth in years as it was just a 1 time thing pretty much as far as i can remember... i was just awake for like a week and probably started getting psychosis from it which induced the panic... i went to the ER because i thought i was dieing, same with every time i been to the ER... which ive just stopped going to the ER because i feel like im dieing a lot lol...

im not really so worried about what it is as much as i am worried about just making it stop... i wanna be normal, wanna be able to remember things and keep up with the days, months and years... instead of life disappearing, floating by, and just watching my life expire before i get a chance to live... its not fair, i thought i would of fixed the problem by now when i first started treatment back in 2010 or whatever...

therapy is just slow... i guess because i dissociate in therapy a lot... forget what she says and its almost like going in circles which is frustrating... i hope it doesnt frustrate her as well... she's so nice and patient with me

its just that my memory is really really bad... its like record button is broken and stuck off... i watch whats happening but dont develop memories... its always been like this, it was helpful when i was younger obviously dealing with stupid ****... but now im supposed to be an adult and a man and i cant take care of myself because im so dependent

i just wanna grow up... become a real man and get over the stupid stuff of my past...

its hard to feel like a man when you were sexually abused by another male though... not just 1 person either... like i told my therapist... i just seemed to be a magnet that atracted abuse from males... even my female cousin...

stupid flashbacks... im gonna stop writing...