I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. Most of all, I feel like running. I just want to run. I just want to run. So bad. And it’s literally taking everything in me not to. So, I moved to California from Seattle last year. Everything had been great. I had been happier than ever. I had finally started therapy (for real this time; actually making effort - more effort than I have ever made in therapy in my entire life, and I have been in therapy for 8 years). I wanted to get past my left and right brain dissociation; I wanted to stop feeling so emotionally vacant. Problem is, now that I no longer feel emotionally vacant; I wish I could again. Reason being, I’m living with my boyfriend. After being raped my entire childhood and finally getting out of the dissociation I was stuck in for years; I now cannot stand being around my boyfriend. I can’t stand him looking at me. I can’t stand him looking at me. I don’t want to be anywhere near him and my pulling away and distancing myself clearly makes him want to do everything and anything he can do to pull me closer. The nice things he does for me annoy me. The nice things he says to me disgust me. I look at him and I am disgusted; my head is filled with horribly judgemental thoughts. The concept of sex seems so foreign to me; I don’t even know how I am going to handle that situation when it arises.
I don’t want to leave. This has always happened, and I have always “ran,” in the past. I don’t want to do that. I want to love him the way I did before this began happening about a week ago. But I don’t know how to get past this. I feel so lost and so hopeless and there’s no feeling I hate more than this. I have talked to him about it (not in as much detail as I have in this post, obviously) and let him know how I am feeling. He knows about my PTSD, about what caused it, and he insists that he’ll wait as long as need be for me to get past this. The problem is, I’m having such a hard time dealing with this in the meantime. I feel I am not only emotionally abandoning myself, but I am emotionally abandoning him. He’s a great guy. He really is. *But no matter how wonderful of a guy he may be, I still feel the same way I always end up feeling in relationships. He’s different than anyone I have ever been with in the past - this is my problem, not his. But I feel so unsafe. I can’t just leave - I have nowhere else to go, nowhere else to live, and despite my brain constantly telling me to just go back “home” to Seattle - that would definitely not be the right thing for me to do. This is exhausting me. I’m not happy at all, and I’m so sick of feeling this way. I just want it to end.