I really think you should tell her that you have been wanting to hold her hand Rainbow. Sounds like a lot of attachment stuff is kicking off in your relationship with her. You want her but feel you shouldn't want her, you don't need her as much but you still crave affection from her. It does sound like the very young Rainbow and that because you are paying her more now you feel you should cut down on seeing her and I wonder if this is your voice or your late husbands telling you that you shouldn't go as often, it costs too much. I really hope that you listen to the little rainbow that really wants to be comforted by her t, and allow that part to be nurtured.