I've been working to discover my true story, what really happened in my life when I was growing up.. I feel I'm close to reconnecting with deep grief about basically not having a father (he was so scary I didn't want to be anywhere near him) but I also feel there's blind rage between me and that grief..

The other day, I realised I don't want to accept what my dad was really like and let go of the idea of him ever becoming the kind of dad I needed - I don't want to accept I'm NOT all-powerful, that I cannot change him..

But I need to accept this, simply because it's the truth. I can't change anyone. I'm not all-powerful. And that's OK - I don't need to be. I can grieve.. I can miss the dad I never had. I can also carry on with my life even though I never had that father..

Hope sharing this will help in making the loss seem less alien and scary..