Drug envy...I've never heard of that! It's so true. I actually got the Dr. to get me some Zanax. Then I wound up relapsing. I don't know if it was because of the Zanax or watching my bf hide drinking 2 shots of tequila at the bar when I was in the pool room and then lying about it to me. Well I asked the bertender when he went to the bathroom if he had had alcohol and she said, "Yes, two shots of tequilla." When I confronted him with it he sid yes he was sorry. I should have left then and there but he said, "I wouldn't leave you if you messed up." I asked him if the shots made him feel good and he said no, God must be punishing him bc he didn't feel anything. Three days later I got wasted at a family Christmas party that I have to go to every year on Dec 17. I never drink at this party. It was so subtle, the insanity of the first drink, I went up to the bar, no one knowing my situation was there, all distant relatives I don't know very well, and casually orderered a ginger ale, Then it hit me, I'd have a bourbon with the ginger ale. I had a lot. My son drove us home early. He saw a glass of wine in front of me and eased me out before I did anything stupid. Since then I have been relapsing and trying to get sober over and over. I have 2 days. I've been in the hospital detox. I am struggling.