I can't believe I'm writing this but I don't know where to turn. I will get straight to the point. I have pretty severe OCD and general anxiety. Part of my OCD is about cleanliness and obsessions with never committing something morally or legally wrong. I have a huge problem, which is that I remember as a child and teen, I was a bit naive and did not realise that touching yourself was a sexual thing. I used to do it when I needed to urinate - I guess I liked the feeling but I didn't know anything about sex. Anyway, I didn't realise or feel like it was sexual or wrong and so I was not always very discreet when I did it. I have this horrible memory of me doing it even if other people were in the room - though I'm pretty sure they never realised. When I was about 16 I think I may have done it when my friends were asleep next to me in a tent. I just didn't think. I don't understand why I was such a sicko. It was almost like a habit that I found difficult to grow out of. Anyway, the thought of doing that now horrifies me to the point that I've been thinking about suicide. I never ever touched another person or anything like that but I feel like I committed some kind of offence and I do not know what to do. I can't tell anyone because obviously it's really disgusting and creepy. I try to tell myself that people I know have had sex with people while their friends slept in the bed next to them but somehow this doesn't feel the same. I had such a great life before this realisation (I feel like I kind of repressed it) and now I've given up and I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he shouldn't be with someone so disturbing.

Please, any advice?