To Direction & Dark Eyes,

I guess I get what I deserve, I lost $300 yesterday when I went gambling and took it out from our savings account. Now we are left with no funds to turn to. I had to use to winning money to pay bills this week. My luck turned bad and I made a horrible choice to return and lose more money yesterday. First I was dealing with severe depression two days ago and had thoughts of suicide. I dealt with those feelings by reaching out to you guys and distracting myself from the pain. Then the next day I felt better, rapid cycling here I guess, and then went to try to win more money. The mood swings are horrible, but I rather be happy and have fun than be in the slumps of those depressive episodes. I know what I did is wrong and I believe it is part of my hypomania. I don't really crave to go gambling, except when I have those mood swings or get very angry with my husband. I don't know whether it is an addiction yet for me or not, I hope not. I did go last year to one meeting for gamblers anonymous, but I hated it and had nothing in common with any of what they were saying. So I went months without gambling and didn't really miss it too much.

The spending sprees are another problem. I go on them quite frequently and buy purses galore even though I have over 50 purses I bought in just one year. This I know is a huge problem, because I change purses every week and have a new one each time it seems. Sometimes I feel bad and guility and others I don't. My husband has most of our cards, but I still do the bills as he can't do them.

The sexual inhibition I have is only during hypomania times, and because my relationship with my husband is not intimate for a long time, there's nothing to worry about. I do think of other men, but it's usually by therapist I have the hots for. Am I sick or what? The weight gain I have now, really puts a damper on my sex drive and makes me feel so undesirable to him or anyone. I don't think my husband loves me anyone and I know he is not attracted to me so I have a loveless marriage which is like living with a roommate. He supports me financially, but emotionally is unattached and has more feelings for his female boss that's single than he does for me. I am very jealous of her and she knows it. They have more in common and things to talk about than with me. I feel so left out in the cold. Things are just about as bad as I can see with no way out for either of us. Marriage counseling isn't really helping. How can you make someone love you and be attracted to you when all the meds you take make you gain so much weight? I'm so miserable all the time about everything in my life.