Hi.

Decided to jump on the forum as I am deep hole and thought that maybe some outside advice and support could help. Nothing to lose in the end.

Was "diagnosed" as Bipolar 2 about 12 years ago and been trying different meds ever since. Some things work a little but for the most part, it feels like most medications have been a wash. Been on Paxil, Welbutril, Lexapro, Depakote, Seroquel, Abilify, Latuda, Lamotragine and Lithium. At 1200mg, the Lithium seems to help a bit with the manic side but doesn't make it go away. I am also currently on Latuda and Lamotragine which seem to little to no help with my depression.

It feel that every episode in the past decade has just been getting worse and worse. Feels like I have been in a depression for the most part of the last 2-3 years. I have less and less interest in interacting with people and have not enjoyed much of anything in the last few years. I wake up most days in anxiety and have to spend my day trying to fight it.

Now the main source of problems these days besides the everlasting depression are the sleep and memory problems. I would say it has been about 5-6 years that I rarely sleep more than 4-5h/night. The only way I can get enough sleep is in two chunks during the day, which doesn't really work with a regular job. And over the past year, my memory has gotten so bad it frightens me. Some days are good but on the bad days, it's like I have no short term memory, nothing retains. I'll forget what a conversation is about mid-conversation. When driving, i'll sometimes forget where I am and going. Have go look around and get my bearings for a second. When possible I have to try and write everything down, I cannot trust myself anymore.

This has gotten to the point where my work has been significantly affected. In a shape up or be fired situation. Did go on a disability leave as I did not have much of a choice. My Psy did not want to sign off (and I can understand why) but she agreed to 6 weeks. It was helpful to be able to rest and recharge but it didn't really fix anything else and now I am back to work. The leave buys me some time but I still have a gun to my head. Started to look for new employment since part of my depression has to do with work also. However, I have been failing miserably at the interviews. Despite my best efforts, i'll forget what I was talking about or can't remember some piece of knowledge I should know.

And obviously the same type of issues apply to other parts of my life as well.

I'm really not sure what I am supposed to do about this. How can I support myself and my wife when I can't complete basic tasks. Should I have the expectation that I should look for a new career that doesn't require as much focus even if its a major reduction in income?

All I have seen in the last decade, despite having some decent doctors, is just a deterioration of my state and at 40 am scared about my future. I'm really struggling to see how there is any happiness to be had in what's left of my life when everything is falling appart.