Quote:
Originally Posted by mulan
It was my birthday. Today. Yesterday.
I got to have lunch with my family. My siblings, my parents, my grandparents, my youngest cousins and their parents. I had them, because I wanted them to be there. But today I was feeling so indiferent towards everything.
It is so strange to see people showing that they like you, giving you presents and me feeling just like...Ok, whatever.
I drove my grandparents home and I stayed a bit with my grandmother in the car. She told me that she has many grandchildren, but me and my siblings are her true grandchildren... We live close to her and we spend time talking to her, my cousins don't do that.
I feel "bad" because I can't like people as much as they like me. And I know I will and that I am always disapointing them because I don't care. It puts some pressure on me, also, I don't want to disapoint them, I don't want to make them sad. I just feel like I should say to them that they shouldn't invest so much on me. Because I can't love them as much as they love me.
|
But if you don't want to disappoint them is because you love them. Sometimes, when I "don't feel anything" in fact I am blocking my emotions. It is not I don't have them but they don't come to the surface. My sister, who was always too connected with her emotions, started to "feel nothing" after getting cancer. She said somehow her mind blocked the emotions to defend itself. I do not know if this is useful for you but I wanted to tell you.
Sending you a big belated hug for your birthday