hello. i am a 16 year old female with seemingly a lot of mental health issues. i am professionally diagnosed with depression and social anxiety but i think theres more than just that. i dont even think i have social anxiety. my story is long and complicated and i feel like i can talk all i want but i never get answers. my story contains themes of emotional abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, manipulation, gaslighting, drugs, self harm, prostitution, etc, so if anything of that nature makes you uncomfortable then it would be best for you to not continue. finally, i apologize if i had placed this in the wrong forum.

ive been a strange child since birth. ive been told ive had sensory issues since birth with tastes, smells, and textures. as i was an infant, i cant remember much from when i was too small, but i remember at a toddler age having issues with shoelaces, jeans, sheets, the seams in socks, vegetables... the list would go on.

as a child, in elementary school, i think i was bullied. but i could have just been overemotional. i dont know. i dont remember much from my childhood. ive always been somewhat withdrawn, always preferred to stay in small groups or pairs rather than in big groups. i had these two friends who i remember made me cry a lot, and i think they would talk about me behind my back as well, that at the time, they told me i was just too sensitive. looking back however, i dont think i had a healthy relationship with them. but i dont even know that. im constantly doubting myself.

i was a bright child. i was placed in gifted and talanted programs from grade 2-grade 8. my test scores were always high and i was respected by teachers as a bright individual. i still have this reputation.

my earliest suicidal thought i can remember dates back to elementary school. i dont remember what happened, all i do remember is lying on the floor next to my cat, thinking that if i were to die then that would be okay. which shocks me because back then i would have undescribably horrible panic attacks over life after death.

my first relationship was in 4th grade. there was this boy i had liked and we had somehow started dating. i was uncomfortable with the thought of kissing him or really doing anything with him other than just hanging out. however there was a girl who had said to me that the relationship "wasnt real" until we kissed. so of course i had to prove myself. i invited him over with intentions to kiss him. i even put on a tank top with a built in bra to appear "sexy" to him. when he came to my house, we went up to my room where i had kissed him. he seemed confused and overall unaffected, but i felt extreme guilt. i dont know what it was about it that had made me hate it so much, but i came downstairs crying and asking mom to send him home. i havent seen the kid since 8th grade, but the last i saw of him, he was still on non-talking terms with me. i dont know what i did to cause such a long period of general dislike for each other.

in 5th grade, there was this boy with autism that nobody had liked, of course, because he was 'weird'. i, however, not being the most normal person myself, didnt mind him. we actually had a lot in common. we were friends for a while until something happened that i cant quite remember and we started to "date". i dont remember why i agreed to dating him. i think maybe i was guilted into it. we dated for not any more than 2 months for sure before he kissed me without my permission, throwing me into a complete panic attack and causing me to break up with him. he did not take this well. at first he was crying, begging for me. i told him i didnt like being kissed and i didnt like him anymore. so after this, he become suicidal. he would attempt to hang himself with his hoodies, and would stick plastic forks in outlets (thinking that something would actually happen). i dont remember what caused him to become so hostile to me but after a month or so of sobbing and begging, he turned the blame on me, with intentions to kill me. my friends would catch him behind me holding a plastic knife. it was just plastic, but i was still scared of getting hurt or killed. i was only 10. i also had the thought of the day when he would bring an actual knife into school. i think he got sent to a mental hospital after the teachers found out. when he came back he attempted to frame me for stealing his sister's DSi. of course this didn't work and life went on as usual. at reccess, we had a few physical fights causing a ban between us, not allowing us to be within 10 feet of each other. this did not carry over into middle school. we had somewhat made up but remained "frenemies" for the next two years, occassionally getting along and occassionally despising everything about each other. in 9th grade i told him to die, causing the police to be called on me. the police restricted communication on us. this remained up until this last summer. i caught him talking about me behind my back on facebook, so i called him out on it. surprisingly he took things very well. it's been about 6 months since we've made up and we still have never fought and have remained in regular communication. he has even helped me out in times of need.

in the summer of 2011 was when things really went to hell. i had been into the internet ever since i could sit in a chair in front of the computer, but this year, things had gone wrong. i was 10 years old and i had met a 15 year old guy on a website. i had fallen in love with him. it was an adult-kind of love. i admired everything he did. i wanted to spend my life with him. it wasnt something as simple as "he's cute" or "everyone likes him so i do too". i was genuinely really admired his personality. he was a strange person. i didnt know of any health issues he had but looking back i think he must have had a form of autism or possibly adhd. the issue started when he showed feelings back. for a while he played with me. flirted with me until i confessed to him. after that he told me he had a girlfriend and he was just being friendly. things were this way for near the entirety of our relationship. he would cheat on her with me, her clueless and me in absolute despair. but i loved him. in september he started making sexual advances towards me. the first thing he said was that he wanted to rape me. i was scared and i cried a lot. i kept this to myself. he knew it scared me but he told me it was because he loved me. so i thought it was fine. however, things escalated. he had started to attempt to sexually roleplay with me, telling me very explicit things that i was uncomfortable with, asking me if i would touch his penis and if i would have sex with him. he would also tell me about his wet dreams (i had learned this term, as well as circumcision, from him) about me, and eventually, he had began to ask for pictures of me with my shirt off. i took a picture for him because i loved him. this eventually escalated into full-on live shows on skype. although i never saw anything of him. i had rarely seen his face. i only ever had two pictures of him and had never seen his penis. in october, the police had been contacted with a tip of me having sex with a guy over the internet. a friend must have told. i hadnt seen anything wrong with me suffering and crying over the abuse because he loved me. and within that i felt proud. i felt so mature being in a relationship with someone 4 grades older than me. i was in an adult relationship with a 10th grader. of course i would want to tell my friends. but that lead to the downfall of the cops being contacted. they called in everyone who i was even remotely friends with for "evidence". they confiscated my phone and my laptop for evidence. they found chat logs of him harrassing me, and with that, they showed my parents everything and told them they would contact the police in his hometown in california. nothing came out of this. we never heard back from the police, my parents had seen all of the adult things i had been (unwillingly but most likely that was unknown to them) engaging in and i had lost every single friend i had. they were terrified. they were involved in a police case, which scared the best friends i had that accepted me for being in an "adult" relationship and my casual friends as well were scared off after having the knowledge i was engaged in sexual relationships. at this point, i had no one. the police hadnt helped me, my parents thought i was a disappointment, all my friends had left, so naturally the only one still there for me was the guy himself. and i became extremely dependent on him, not wanting to leave him or do anything without him even for a moment's time. he was all i had. he was not nice to me. he would often call me stupid or fat. he would always say it was a joke and i have no idea if it was or not but it hurt. a lot. this continued on for months, at least 4, before something that i cant remember happened and i finally broke up with him. i dont remember the details but i do remember that i was very very harsh with him and he wasnt the same person afterwards. his happy, hyper, upbeat demeanor was replaced with someone calm, cautious, almost solemn. i blamed myself for this. i went a year without contacting him until one of us contacted the other on skype (i cant remember who). we tried to make up, but in the end, things didnt really kick off. the lasting effect from this relationship was that no one at my school liked me any more. i spent the next few years alone. everyone thought i was weird and didnt want to talk to me. and in return, i hated my school back. two years after, in 9th grade, i has having (from what i can guess ptsd-enduced, especially considering this was around the time of year we had broken up three years earlier) panic attack, i had contacted him on skype asking him if he remembered me and if we could be friends. at this point in time he would have been in college. initially, he said yes, and we attempted to talk again, but a few days after he said he couldnt do it for "personal" reasons and just left. i havent contacted him since but i still have occasional frenzies where i search for information about him, trying to find his social media liked a crazed stalker, as if i need him back in my life.

during my relationship with with my 10th grade partner, there was a boy my own age who had confessed his love for me. i had told him i returned his feelings. its very confusing but i was basically acting as if i were in a relationship with two men at the same time, although i never think i dated both of them at the same exact time. they both knew of each other but never interacted. this boy broke my heart in the end of november 2011. he told me he had a crush on someone else as well as that he was likely getting homeschooled next year. this crushed me. we didnt talk for two or three months before a girl showed up in my life. she claimed to know all of this information about the boy, using it to make me obsessed with him. she made out the idea that he was obsessed with me, doing weird things like collecting samples of my poop and hiding gifts for me around the school, but of course i took this all as a compliment because of my previous relationship. anythign that could be explained with "they love you" was a perfectly reasonable excuse to me. the girl had led me on for four months and acted as a "messenger" between us, even though she made things up herself. she made me say weird things to him and do weird things because i thought he understood what was going on. in april, i caught her in a lie and she told me that everything shes been telling me from the beginning was false. i didnt talk to her after this but one of her other ex friends who she played as well had came to me, telling me how much she had hated me the whole time and how weird i was, how i didnt fit in, how funny and gullible i was for believing everything. however, oddly enough, after the girl was gone, the boy had came back and began to get closer to me again. my 10th grade partner was also out of the picture at this time. we became friends again and even got each others skype names so we could talk over the summer. however, when you're behind a screen, things are much, much easier to say. it was early summer late night and he had asked if i wanted to play truth or dare. i was excited. i thought maybe this was my chance to tell him i still had feelings for him. we played a few awkward rounds before he forced me to choose dare. the dare was to show him my *****. i said no but he begged me and told me he loved me, so i lifted my skirt up and pointed the camera down for a few seconds. he made fun of the color of my panties before telling me he wanted me to take them off and spread my legs. i told him no. i dont remember much else of that summer. the whole thing is a complete blur. in the start of 7th grade, he completely shocked me by showing up for school even though i had thought he would be homeschooled. i was overjoyed and it felt like i was in heaven after learning that he was in two of my classes. there was awkward teenage flirting for two weeks before it was announced that he had left to be homeschooled, as he had been telling me he would. we remained friends though text, and soon, it became more than that once again. he even kissed me... and i didnt cry. things started out strong with good morning texts and good night texts, but things got corrupt quickly. in december i remember him asking me if i would **** him, begging me to have sex with him as he would the year before. he would tell me about how big my boobs were, asking what size, and he would give me descriptions of how he would have sex with me. at one point he made plans for us to meet in the woods half way between our houses so he could finger me. luckily, this never played out. again, i was in a sexually abusive relationship but because of past experiences thought it was okay because he loved me and i loved him. in january, he stopped talking to me. he would text me once or twice a day but often would lie to me and tell me that he couldnt talk or his parents were watching him or something. i hadnt seen him for months. sometimes he would text me asking if it was okay for him to flirt with other girls. sometimes he would lie to me and fake break up with me just to see if i cared. he would send me pictures of him hugging other girls with the intent to see me jealous to make himself feel more secure. things faded. we went on and off for a while. he could come back to me asking me for nudes and such every few months and i would give it to him. he would guilt me into it. things have been like this since 2013. he leaves for months then comes back to me. i dont know why he does it. as of 2013, however, i have stopped giving him nudes. the last time ive contacted him was this past september. things seemed normal enough between us.

in june of 2013 i met a person online. when i first met him he was a boy. i met him through a friend i had met back in 2011. he was just the sweetest thing! he was so nice and cheerful and happy, determined... he was good at a lot of things. he liked video games, guitar, singing, computers...he could do anything it seemed. apparently he had found interest in me as well because we started dating not even a month after we met. the honeymoon was the first month. he was what seemed to be himself. sweet, nice, helpful, motivated...loving. we had a sexual relationship as well. this is the first sexual relationship i had that seemed consensual. i wasnt really sexually attracted him him but the things he said to me didnt make me feel uncomfortable. however near the end of july things just broke apart. the sweet image he gave me slowly fell into pieces. he started bragging, dismissing my feelings, talking about his farts...just...things that i wouldnt have imagined he would do a month ago. he would make me feel so bad about myself. everything i did seemed so mediocre compaired to him. he just loved being the best. in august of 2013 i started cutting myself. our mutual friend, the one who had introduced me into him, was the only one who would help me. i dont even think i told my boyfriend i was self harming because i knew i was doing it because of him and i didnt want him to feel bad. when school started was when i couldnt just keep things to myself. me and him went from calling nearly all day to maybe an hour. all of a sudden he just got all of these new friends i guess and seemed to have forgotten about me. i told him i wanted more time with him but he said i was being controlling and he was just going to break up with me if i wouldnt let him with his friends. in september, he also started identifying as a girl, giving himself a new name. semptember was uncomfortable for me. in the beginning of october, he, now she, met another trans girl online who was quite literally the facade she had given me when we first started dating. she was sweet and cute and nice... so my girlfriend cheated on me with the other girl for about a week or so. she didnt even try to hide it. eventually she just broke up with me. i was left suicidal. our mutual friend was doing everything he could to keep me alive, apologizing for how his friend was acting towards me. i got a crush on him soon. so my ex girlfriend was with the girl she cheated on me with and i was left with a one sided crush on her best friend. two weeks into her relationship with the new girl she came crawling back to me with claims of abuse, that her girlfriend was telling her to shut up and stuff with the excuse that "she was just stubborn/in denial" and that it was supposed to be cute. she broke up with her and came back to me... but i still had a crush on her best friend. things just went back to how they were before. she was still making me miserable as she had when we were dating but i still had a crush on her best friend. it became quite obvious soon enough when i became so extremely reliant on him and started getting strangely more affectionate/empathetic for him. my girlfriend now began to abuse not only me but him. she would beg me to not break up with her and just get over my feelings for him, but how could i when he was my savior? he was my release from her, he was what made me feel better. my girlfriend turned her anger on him, her best friend of 5 years, and suddenly started hating him, claiming that he made her sick and he was loud and annoying. things went on like this for months, with me cutting daily and occasionally making a suicide attempt as well as having to save her best friend from suicidal thoughts and having to comfort my girlfriend. i was jugggling three lives with my own as my least priority. soon, with the rightaway that i had a crush on her best friend, she began to get crushe son other people as well and would talk about them very openly to me gushing over them and comparing me to them. in december, my mom put me in short term therapy. it lasted a month and my therapist told my mom that i had depression as well as social anxiety and i needed medication and a long term therapist. i was prescribed initally 20 mg of duloxetine before they changed it to fluoxetine. since then, they have bumoed my medication up to 60 mg of fluoxetine and has been that was for maybe two years now. things werent much better however. it took me a while to find a good therapist (two years, well after i was throguh with her) and 20mg was not enough at all to make me feel better. i spent december and janurary with her cheating on me and me seeking help from her best friend to keep me alive, until february came and my mom (knowing fully well that i was being abused) planned a trip for me to meet her. february felt like the old days again, we were so excited about meeting each other. then the day came. things were strange because we spent a lot of time in the car. she kissed me in front of my mom and little sister with her best friend right next to me on my other side. she put her tongue in my mouth in front of them all. and later into the day, she attempted to finger me while in the car and have me give her a handjob in the car. at the very end of the day, with maybe an hour left before they had to go home, we returned to the hotel shortly. we left her best friend on the lobby's couch while we left for the girls bathroom. in the bathroom, i gave her oral. she took pictures of me and videos too. we took half an hour in there. my mom was frantic. she didnt know where we went but she knew we ran off to have sex. i tried to lie to her but i dont know if she believed it. she hasnt brought it up since. after our meet up in real life, things returned to normal four four more months. these four months are a blur. i know i was more miserable than ever. her cheating just got worse and worse. that's all i can extract from the next four months. in july of 2014 i finally ended things with her. it ended violently. she said she wanted to kill me and she had never met someone so rude and i was going to love everyone i loved and she wanted to punch me along with other things of the sorts. throughout our relationship, she would also hint that i was fat often (nearly once a month, i was 5'4" and 140lbs) and frequently made posts about me online telling her friends how horrible i was and how badly i was hurting her. i took a year off from her, having horrible panic attacks every once in a while frenzying between me wanting her dead and me loving every part of her with the desire of us back together. it was nearly a year from our break when i just NEEDED her back. so i contacted her in summer 2015. we've been accquaintences since then, but as my life has been building back up recently, i no longer have any romantic feelings for her nor frenzies over her and i hate her with every fiber of my being. sometimes she talks to me. the last time was a few months ago when she was drunk. she was drunk and told me she wanted me back, she wanted a second chance, she wanted to try again. i dismissed it all. she hasnt talked to me since.

for the start of high school, i changed from regular school to charter school. nothing good came out of it. i had rapidly gained weight this year. i had gotten into a relationship with a girl who neglected me for three months before i broke up with her, then got into a relationship with a different girl for another three months before breaking up with her, followed by several week long relationships in a row in a desparate attempt to forget the trans girl i had dated the year before. i didnt have friends. i was very different from them as well, i thought they liked me, but none of them did, not even the girl i spent every day with talking to and getting lunch with and sitting next to. everyone had just flat out played me again. i had began to smoke during this time, finding cigarette packs in parking lots and smoking them when i was stressed. the worst part was in february. it was almost an exact year after i had given oral to my ex girlfriend and (due to ptsd i figure) had offered a guy in my grade sex. he turned me down politely for a reason i dont know because after he just went and told everyone in the school, laughing because i was fat and i was a slut and i thought i was good enough for him or whatever. luckily, the school i was in was doing very very horribly. the management was so weak, the 60 students and 4 teachers we had were cut down to 30 students and 3 teachers by semester. the school shut down that year and i was transferred to a different school district.

things were finally okay at this school. i was building relationships with new kids and setting a good reputation for myself. i was also in counseling with a good therapist (the same i have now) and my medication was bumped up to 60mg. i had a healthy crush on a guy who sat next to me for nearly 6 months, even though i got rejected (more than obviously because of my weight as i was 5'6" and 210lbs) he was still very very nice to me and a more than excellent friend. i had also picked up drugs this year. i had a friend who ive been best friends with for over 10 years who has stuck with me during everything that had recently began smoking weed with her family (im assuming this is because she had turned 16 and they found her old enough to smoke with them). i would come over every weekend to get stoned off my *** with her family and even some strangers at some times. this was from january-may 2016. i had also been experimenting with drugs on my own at home, doing extensive research on what can and cant be used recreationally and how to use each drug as responsibly as i could, how much i could take, what the side effects were, durations, safety precautions, etc. during the weekdays when i didnt have my weed i would use benadryl (diphenhydramine). i had also experimented with various other drugs such as delsym (dextromethorphan), sudafed (pseudoephedrine), morning glory seeds (lsa/lysergic acid amide), and some other things i cant even remember. my affairs with drugs came to a stop at the end of may where i had taken 800mg of diphenhydramine then failed to realize i was high and took more until i was at a lethal dose, nearly putting me in a hospital. after that experience, i stopped using drugs with the exception of diphenhydramine at lower doses (400-600mg) only when severely depressed.

in june of 2016, my family was taking a trip to the united kingdom. i thought that it was so far away from home that i should use it to my advantage and meet an internet friend while i could. the only friend i was seemingly able to meet with was a boy i had met back in january. we werent very close at all but i really did enjoy his presence. we exchanged skypes and would talk frequently until the day came where we met up. i could feel myself slowly getting a crush on him but i wasnt sure until i met him in real life. he had captivated me. i had loved everything about him. after i returned home, we continued to talk on skype even more frequently than before, until finally getting into a relationship in august. at the end of august, his family took a trip to america and i was able to meet up with him again in chicago. it was the first time i felt safe, truly loved. he had also taken my virginity. it has been six months since weve started going out and i trust him with my life. he has been so good to me. now that i am educated about the topic, i frequently look out for abusive or manipulative behavior and i havent picked up on anything so far. we are in a happy and healthy relationship. everything would be fine except for my memories of the past. it used to be small, maybe once or twice a month that i would freak out on him and have a past-related panic attack. i never did anything to hurt him. most of the time when i have these attacks i beg him not to leave me or to hurt me. it goes on for usually an hour or two and ends with me going to sleep and waking up feeling better. he has been very patient and understanding, but recently things have been getting worse. i was doing fine with everything at my new school until i got into a relationship which is the happiest part of my life until i have a panic attack over my previous relationships. i think being in a relationship is triggering insecurities in me from all of my previous horrible relationships. even if my boyfriend isnt hurting me, sometimes my brain just falls into the same feeling i had years ago where i was being abused, and i feel stuck like i cant get out of it. its becoming a big issue. february is nearing, and february is a bad time of year for me given what's happened in the past, and im starting to have nightmares every night along with a constant accompanying feeling of guilt and despair as i would have back then. i really love my boyfriend and i want to overcome my past experiences to help the both of us. if i didnt have any of the insecurity i do because of my past relationships, and if he didnt have to spend so much time making me feel better, i feel like it would be a huge step towards me becoming finally happy.

my main question is... what do i have? i meet with my therapist less than once a month and im still on 60mg of fluoxetine and for a while ive been coping but recently it doesnt feel like enough. i think there's something more than just depression and social anxiety going on but no matter how much i hint at it i never get any help. i'm a bit of a hypochondriac and i think i have nearly every mental health issue in the world but i dont like that and i just want to know what conditions i actually have so i can get treated for those and finally become happy. here are some things i have debated having:
-ptsd is the most obvious of them all. i'm nearly convinced i have it when my frenzied panic attacks over my past relationships, the way i melt down occasionally with my boyfriends, the nightmares, the "bad" times of year, and various little things i used to enjoy now cause me to have panic attacks (certain songs, characters, etc.) ive had symptoms since i was 13 years old.
-autism has also been on my mind. my mom said that she frequently finds that i show symptoms of aspergers but she has straight up told me that she doesnt want me diagnosed because i dont fit her personal definition of autism (classic autism). i think that my diagnosis with social anxiety is a misdiagnosis for either autism or paranoia, but i'm not sure which. my sensory issues (as i mentioned in the beginning) are only growing and getting worse. i dont feel any attachment to my family whatsoever. i am horrible at conversations and often find myself feeling weird or like i dont fit in. i dont like working with others and would rather stay by myself. im very very clumsy and forgetful. i never hear directions, often blank out in conversation, and sometimes tune people out because my own thoughts just take over. ive also became conscious of myself repeating others. if i overhear something in the distance, i often repeat it, to other's confusion because there is literally no point in me repeating it, but its a habit and i cant stop. i pick at my nails and play with my hair often and hate direct eye contact. i get obsessed with things for a month or two them drop them but still have extreme interest in it. ive had symptoms since i was a child.
-paranoid schizophrenia is something that i dont necessarily think i have but i dont want to rule out any possibilities. i also think that if i have autism that some of this could be caused by it instead. i hate the dark. i see things in it, shadow like figures that are there in the corner of my eye and disappear when i look directly. often at night i have a hard time falling asleep because i hear weird noises, music ive never heard before, conversations of strangers, general commotion, or sometimes people i know going off about random topics that dont make sense. i cant have my window open and i cant have my blinds open. i have strange superstitions (ie if the next car i see is red i will pass my exam, things of that sort). i am convinced that everybody hates me and talks about me behind my back and finds me weird. i think that teachers hold grudges against me. i have a hard time trusting other people, often the only person i confide in is my partner at the time. i think every little type of criticism is an attack on my character and am generally hostile towards new people. it often crosses my mind that my parents look at my texts or my social media account and rain through my room or set up cameras but it isnt enough to disturb me. ive had symptoms since around age 13.
-hypersomnia has been an issue for me recently. i have absolutely 0 motivation whatsoever. its been getting worse and worse recently with the pressure of growing up, getting a job, getting my drivers licence, college, etc. it seems like the more pressure i have on me the more i sleep. i dont have motivation to get food, to get dressed, to take showers, to go to the bathroom, to do my work, to even play video games or sometimes stay up and talk to my boyfriend. sleep just always seems like the best option to me. before i met my boyfriend i was sleeping 16 hours a day and i still do whenever he's unable to talk. symptoms since age 15.
-hypersexuality as well, i think being abused as a child has caused an interest in pornography for me. i have developed fetishes and often masturbate, almost daily and sometimes a few times a day. even when im not aroused by it i still watch porn and look for porn just because it intrigues me. i had a phase in 9th grade where i tried to sell my panties for money and would post nude images of myself online. i often find myself talking about sex and porn a lot and seem unable to stop. i find sexuality interesting and enjoy hearing about sex and fetishes. symptoms since age 11.
-personality disorders used to be my number one thing but now that i think of it, i think most of them are just other things. i used to think i had borderline, paranoid, schizotypal, avoidant, dependent, and ocd. i was even tested for this two years ago but was refused diagnosis because of my age. i tested positive for borderline, histronic, avoidant, paranoid, schizotypal, and dependent. it hasnt been brought up since, although now im thinking that most of those could be a part of something else, such as if i were to have paranoid schizophrenia or autism then it would most likely explain my schizotypal/avoidant/paranoid/dependent symptoms. most symptoms became apparent from ages 9-13.

any help whatsoever is appreciated, just please be gentle with your replies because im already scared enough by posting this. i apologize for any typos, i really dont want to read through it and run the risk of causing a panic attack. i may edit this post later if i have forgotten anything. to anyone who may have read this, thank you for your time.