I know you're right about worrying about it making it worse... before when I just went with the flow it was fine, then I started trying to get treatment and trying to read about my experience to understand myself more and things have just been in a spiral since...

the memory thing didn't bother me so much before because I smoked weed to calm down and it make me not worry about it...

I've cut back a lot on substances though and things still seem to be getting worse...
just recently it feels like I have been drinking a little more again to deal with the stress... but I cant tell how long I have been drinking more, due to the memory issue...
I don't drink as much as some people with alcohol problems drink but I guess drinking any is a bad thing... main reason I don't drink more is because of money and plus I don't really like alcohol... I prefer just smoking...

someone has told me before the same thing though, its not so much about what it is but its about getting better... but I just feel like its important to know what it is so that I can get proper treatment since I have been trying to get treatment for so long and not making progress... I have been compliant and everything besides the drinking issue because I drink to help cope... its a coping thing and one of the only skills I have that can help alleviate some of the pressure so I don't explode... the grounding techniques and relaxation stuff doesn't seem to work... I just have to try to ride it out and the best way I know to do that is to drink a few beers or smoke a few puffs and listen to music till it passes... I have that emotional dysregulation stuff that messes me up pretty good...

I have been working with them though and am still trying to work better with them... due to my avoidant tendencies though its difficult to speak up sometimes... I get scared, a lot...

I hate being scared