I have always considered it as a way to provide for my family ... that insurance pay off seemed like an ace in the hole ... but that was not on my mind when I attempted ... i just did not want to go another day .... when my stress gets unbearable I day dream of it a lot ... I plan and I plan .... over and over ... I seem to draw comfort from having a plan ... knowing the unbearable tomorrow can be avoided seems to relax me ... sometimes just knowing it is possible gets me through another day ...

how do I cope ... I wrote down every plan I have ever had and gave them to my T ... knowing there is no pay off stops me from acting ... but not from dreaming ...

the only reason I get up every am is to pay off the mortage ... that is the only reason I am still here ... kinda sad when you see it wrote out this way ...

that's why my korean girls have meant so much to me ... something .. anything to look foward too ...