I was filling out insurance forms the other day, and they asked for emergency contact information. I have no one. So, wow. Not one single person in the world gives a crap if I wake up in the morning or not. It was an all-consuming sorrow.
I don't think I'm that bad of a person to not even have one "next of kin" or whatever. I certainly have come across much worse people in my life, and they were always surrounded with at least a friend or two.
Last week, I didn't leave the apartment once. The newspapers piled up on the doorstep. The mail was bursting out of the mailbox. But not even one of my neighbors took a second to knock on my door and say "Hey!"
How long would it have taken them to do that?
How am I supposed to go on living anyway? It makes me feel like, worthless at best, y'know?!
I have a husband in jail. He's ridiculous. My mom and daughter have restraining orders against me; not because I am violent, but because they want to make sure I don't try to contact them. I'm serious! How does that happen?
My mom packaged up all my baby pictures and little gifts that I made for her and dad when I was young, and she gave them back to me. Good memories. Well, they were. That's when they still loved me.
It was her way of telling me that I wasn't worth remembering anymore.
It's hard being an only child and not even having your parents to love you.
And I only have one daughter. I silently stalk her on Facebook and see how she is turning into a young woman. I look into her eyes and I don't even recognize her anymore. She doesn't look like me.
She tells people I am crazy. We will never talk again, I'm sure of it. The longer it goes without talking to her, the easier it gets, sort of . . . but, well, no . . . sort of harder. If that makes sense.
Now she's got a boyfriend; some guy I have never met and never will. Her face smiles out from her profile picture and he is behind her, hugging her. Happiness.
I wonder if they get together with my mother and talk about what a loser I am.
I wonder what her voice sounds like now.
I wonder if I will ever spend another holiday with someone who buys me my favorite chocolate pie for after dinner.
I wonder how everything went so insanely wrong with me.