So I did. It was fine. Yet my feelings have changed recently and I have few issues.

First is about the job. Most people are like, they're stressed at the beginning of a new job etc, then they are not because they get used to it. I don't get used to stuff. I'm okay with entering a new workplace, getting to know everything, it's always a challenge, but I'm usually very motivated and reward myself, for example, for finishing the first month or a week at work and "surviving" it. I like managing short tasks. I mean, I am anxious at the beginning, but it's a different kind of anxious. And now I have the perspective of having to stay there for, let's say, next three years. I already know what I have to do, how I do it, what are people like, how I should behave and I just feel an extreme kind of pressure. I hate planning long term. The longer I am at a particular place, the more is expected of me and the more fobias and fears I face. For example, I'm worried about having a nervous breakdown, acting out, getting sick at work, etc. At the beginning I still had the occassion to say "All right, this is bad, I'm not staying there" and now everyone sees that the job is fine and my parents are starting getting used to me paying for the flat etc. What's more, some people even got used to me and this creates a pressure too. I'm not sure if it's clear and understandable what I'm saying, but for now I cannot explain it a different way. Things are getting more stressful to me once they get obvious, clear and they're in a long time perspective.

The second thing is with people and my tendency to look at them only through rational analysis. I often have issues with social cues, but I'm generally really good at judging others and making right assumptions. Especially from afar, when I'm just an observant. And I wish I was sometimes wrong. Of course I'm now speaking mostly about some people I just met or I know them only for weeks or few months, because - when it comes to my friends - I kind of trust them and don't feel the need to constantly analyze them and judge them that much, I know what I can get from many of them and how they are. But, what I mean, is, for example, that guy who I wrote about who had no boundaries towards me and he was following me and was pretty intrusive:

When I was first talking to him, my thoughts were right away this: "Oh, he is creepy. He smiles constantly. What did he just said? So authoritarian. He's intrusive, clearly. Not very good with women, he scares them away. Wait, what? Pretends to be nice, but in fact despises women and wants to control them. Not very intelligent." etc. and then my thoughts are this "Oh, you're so paranoid, maybe it's not like this". But I know it is. And then I accidentaly saw his facebook status and he was writing like an idiot something abusive about other women, calling them sluts, frustrated with them ignoring him, words on a very low level. So I was right. I don't care about this guy, I'm just giving an example based on his person.

And then the guy I enjoy. Once the emotions have gone down a bit, I started to analyze his behaviour, observe the way he acts, it's just automatic whether I want it or not. Of course I know people do this, too, but maybe not so fast. And it's like "Oh, why is he so unkind to this male co worker? Why does he say that about the job? He's easily frustrated for sure and maybe he is not as good socially as he appears. Maybe he is not that nice at all." etc, etc, etc... It's just, it kind of devoids me of fun in social situations. My mind constantly gathers information and makes associations. I'm INTJ in a Briggs-Myers personality categorization, by the way.

I'm also sick right now and have a break from work. There were some small changes in my blood tests, I happened to also have my allergy worsen and some infection and I just panicked and stayed at home, which I'm not comfortable with, because I hate getting out of rhythm.

And there's just another thing about my family, which is rather disgusting (although not shocking) to me. I swear that my family should pay me for the next 250 years of therapy, they are so weird they fall out of my understanding system and make me believe I will not go anywhere with this set of genes.

As I said once, my family from fathers side is and was generally extremely autistic, aggressive, violent even, terrible in social relationships. Especially my grandfather, the one who is clearly an autistic person, who can't speak in a normal way, is completely cruel and cold towards others, has no clue about other's intentions and how to act in social situations, makes wrong assumptions, has obsessions about money saving that almost killed him, has been to jail, been thrown out from schools, yet - with all of this - he is very verbal, well-read, has an extremely good memory, was a really good driver, had motor skills like no one, incredible knowledge and it's all just messed up. And my grandmother and his wife (second one) has died just a few weeks ago. And what he did and said today, it has basically ****ed my mind, even though I was rarely shocked by anything he did. Oh, and he is over 70 years old. It's probably their line that I inherited my androgen disorder from.

So, after this few weeks he told my father he wants him to find him a woman. That he will kill himself unless he will have another woman, because he needs someone to talk to, to clean the house, to do everything around him and that he has his sexual needs and he just needs a woman. He also has a disability and cannot use his hands and needs another nurse and he was making this disgusting comments on young nurses and I just couldn't. And I was like, waaait, what the hell? (Still better than his brother being a sexual deviant, but). One thing is that it's completely disrespectful for my grandma who just died, the other is how awful her life with him must have been. I just wish I wouldn't hear that. I mean, I didn't personally, just from what I've heard from my father. But it just disgusts me how little respect they have for women, how awful sexual comments they make and that whole thing. I'm disgusted by sharing these genes.