Hey silentlyscreaming, I can relate to so much of what you wrote.

I have had the feeling that I did not have control of my own life--the shrink, therapist, friends and family all were deciding things for me. It was all "for my own good." But, even when I was in the hospital, and was the most unstable, I was still human. I was still me and it was still my life. I appreciate all their good intentions, but it made me feel so out of control. I already felt hopeless. All their good intentions made me feel completely powerless over my own life. It made things worse. I felt like there was nothing I could do to make things better--my recovery was up to everybody else. Of course, today, I know my recovery is up to me.

Just last week, my boss "sent" me to my pdoc because she thought I was depressed and needed an intervention. I was not really depressed, my grandmother had just died--I was grieving--something "normal" people do, but I was not even allowed to do that with out being sent to my pdoc. I am not allowed to be angry or frustrated without being accused of being unstable. If I am too happy, well then I must be manic. If I am sad, I must be depressed. The array of normal, everyday emotions have been taken from me. I spend a lot of my time pretending to be neutral so I don't draw attention to myself. And then, my therapist wonders why I am so disconnected from my feelings.

I can really identify with your post. Thanks for sharing.