As someone with a chronic depressive illness, I sometimes find that I can't get my sad feelings or physical symptoms taken seriously when they have other causes. It tends to be assumed (even by medical personnel) that it's "only" the depression.

Sometimes I feel that I can't get my needs met unless I'm in crisis. Way back in July, shortly after I first moved here, I went to a local mental health clinic to initiate treatment. I got put on a waiting list and haven't heard anything since. Until last night, that is, when I got fed up with a current situation and called a crisis counselor. It turns out that the mental health system here has been undergoing some major structual changes. Whatever the cause, while the deck of cards was being shuffled, the card with me on it got dropped under the table and forgotten. Story of my life. If something like that is going to happen, chances are I'm the one it happens to.

This is not the only piece of anecdotal evidence I have. I *cannot* calmly and simply say, "I need X, please," and expect to receive it within a reasonable amount of time. It is not until I am in crisis that my needs get met. Sometimes with an apology as I got from the mental health system here, but other times with, "All right, here's what you need. God, you're a b**ch. Why couldn't you just ask nice?" Um, because you didn't respond the fourteen times when I did?

Other times I feel that even being in crisis isn't always enough. Has anyone ever felt like this? No matter how badly I need help, there's always someone who needs it worse than I do and is going to take precedence. I could be in a car accident and break both of my legs, and I guarantee you that someone else will be in the same accident and *sever* a leg, so I'll just have to wait while they take care of the other person first.

I often get criticized for being selfish, or feeling sorry for myself. If nobody else is going to give a half-eaten rat's behind about me, is there anything wrong with me filling in that gap myself?

But I don't think I'm entirely selfish. I wonder if, and this isn't as bad as it sounds, my function in life might be for bad things to happen to. I'm the test model. Just like parents make their mistakes on the oldest kid (which I was) and correct them on the younger ones. Just like child abuse laws that are in place now were NOT in place when those things were happening to me. I exist so that bad things can happen to me, then people look at what happened and think, "That's bad. It shouldn't have happened that way," and they make corrections so that the people who come after me won't go through the same thing. That's not really selfish, and it's kind of a noble reason for existing, isn't it?