Hello lil.secret.shhh: Thanks for sharing your experience. I don't know as there is any help I can offer. I think this may be something that would be worth talking over with a therapist if you have one, or if you would have the opportunity to see one at some point in the future. It's clearly something that's on your mind & having the opportunity to talk through it in real life may help you to finally put it to rest once-&-for-all...