Hello my name is Chase and I'm writing this due to concerns / realizations I've stumbled upon over the past years in my mental state. I guess to start off, my mental state has never been a good one, I've been self harming for about 5 years now with constant suicidal thoughts here and there plus a few failed attempts. These are things I can handle,things that don't worry me much but there are some things that are hard to explain that catch me off guard sometimes.
Like when I have to restrict myself from thinking because I swear people can hear my thoughts. Or how I always act as if someone is watching because I believe some people have powers to watch me at all times or maybe the government is watching me through my computer monitor.
Like when I have these strong impulsive thoughts that practically scream at me to break my arm or bash my head against the wall. No one would care anyway.
Like how ever time I so much as speak to someone, even someone I've known for years, and feel dejected in every way if they show the smallest disinterest.
Sometimes I don't even think some people are real, I don't even think I'm real anymore.
Lately I swear I hear whispers and shadows out of the corner of my eye but I'm always to scared to ask if someone hears it too.
All I want to do is sleep but I can't because I can't let anyone down.
Then there's these other violent scenes that flash across my mind of dead animals and people.
Everyone says that I should talk to people about my problems but for me it's physically impossible. I can't trust other people at all and I can't consider anyone my friend.
All of these things (and more) have made living unbearable and I'm really in a rut of wanting to kill myself but I'm afraid to fail and have my family disappointed in me again.
I just want to give up.