I have BPD, BP, GAD. I am on my 3rd marriage.

1st marriage: after being stalked 21 months, I met a friend and lost a job, and got marriage because in the weakened state of having been stalked, I needed some support. On a Monday night, after begging me to marry him for 3 months - I said yes. Not because I loved him, I knew I didn't. But because it was Vegas, and if I didn't do something - he would want to watch the Simpsons that night, and I frigging hated the Simpsons. 10 years. I stayed 10 years because it was marriage. Never liked the guy. Tried hard to be perfect. He was very demanding. He liked me moldable, he didn't like me becoming my own person.

2nd marriage: less then 1 year after my 1st marriage broke up, my best friend had terminal cancer. She was also my Sensei. I was nuts, my mental illnesses really reeking havoc, and I wasn't treating them. I lived with my Sensei/friend and rented out my place. I told her when she died, I couldn't live there anymore because it would be innapropraite, and she was angry and said that would be when her family would need her the most. I married her husband like 5 months after she died in some warped attempt to do some noble thing.

3rd marriage: I really love this guy. First time I have been married to someone I chose. He loves me. We have been together 9 years. I am 24 years older then he is. He never cares about my age. It is a non-issue, even though statistically it doesn't look good.

Here is the thing: we don't have sex - I think he is Asexual. So, not having sex is fine. I am past menopause so even though I still sometimes have desires, not having sex is fine.

He doesn't want children because the world is overpopulated. he prefers dogs, so that isn't an issue for his future.

I own a house, that I gave him half of last year, to protect him. I have been trying to get him to go to college, or somehow prepare himself for when I die, but he doesn't.

So, here we are, with our dogs, and no car, living in this little house - he lives upstairs, and I live downstairs.

it is kind of like roommates.

I like taking care of the house, and I cook and clean, because that is what I was raised a wife does.

He does the lawn in the summer. And he shovels sometimes. But basically, I am wondering if this is all.

I mean, I am happy - but I kind of want some invisible more. I would like to think that we are aimed at something, instead of just gaming and computers and living off my social security check.

I mean. I do love him. And, he loves me. And - we get along, but it is starting to feel like it isn't even marriage.

My ex (2nd husband) called me a week ago and basically invited me to join him in a retirement I would like. A motor home, travel.

The only problem is, I don't love him. He describes the dream, but he is the leading man.

We did get along well. But, I don't want to even think about having sex with him. But, living again.... living some life of more then just sitting here on a couch with a husband upstairs that I talk to a few times a day.

What is this?

Am I even married?

With my issues, I do like a lot of alone time.

But, I am married to someone who has garbage on the floor of his room. He is stuck in some place. He really needs to be challenged.

But who am I to say that. Maybe, - maybe things don't have a definition.

We work.

If my ex hadn't called me, I wouldn't be thinking about him.

I wish this husband had a little more giddy up.

I am way (yes at 24 years older then him - way) more energetic then my husband. I like to make thoughts and plans, and goals. But on my disibility check, none of these things can come true.

I wrap my world around making him every pleasure I can from my life. And I don't feel it is reciprocated. I enjoy thinking of ways to please him, and he enjoys being pleased.

I do feel loved. And I feel loving toward him. I feel like we work. But, I don't know what to call us.

Am I a fool?

It is the Super Bowl this weekend. I miss what my ex and I did on Super Bowl weekend. I do miss him at times. I even miss my first husband when something needs fixing. Both my first 2 husbands were old fashioned men who found projects. My current husband - well, doesn't find things to do. He did teach himself computer programming, and he makes music and games.

Am I married? Or ..... did I somehow surround my life with my children, and find a permanent replacement for them? Am I living a life of a perpetual Mom with no husband? Is that, for me, what I wanted?

It would be nice to be married to my ex again. For some things. Like, just having a man to count on for being the one with the final say.

Maybe I am just being bored, BPD, and wanting some excitement.

I don't want to make a mistake, and have more lost years I regret.