Sent this on impulse to T in a fit of bitterness ugh because I'm being discharged from hospital outpatient psychiatric care by my psychiatrist to community mental health by a GP:

"Antidepressants unfortunately aren't happy pills. They put a floor below emotions so they don't crash so low. Antipsychotics quieten my thoughts, make them loop less with less frantic urgency. But they aren't happy pills either, unfortunately.

I know how to self soothe better now yea, and that self compassion does help even when I don't feel deserving. I'll be OK of course, I always am OK. So OK, so stable and so functional. So tired. Not that it matters. Can't wipe the dumbass smile and upbeat mode off in front of doctors. Doesn't matter as long as I can cope at work anyway to them. Doesn't matter even when I say that's the only thing I'm OK at."

I know I'm horrible for this but sometimes I bloody wish I was like many of the people I meet in offline support groups. Those who've obviously impairing symptoms, unable to work full time, those with more severe SH...

I rarely go because I know I'm horrible for my envy. I'm not better than them just because I hold down a full time white collar job I know. I'm well aware of my privileges of being average looking, decently well educated, in a unionised job, my race etc. I've met my share of people in those groups who envy me. One person with impulse control issues said she's jealous of my social anxiety (because I'm inhibited while she's explosive) and that I've held down a steady job. (BTW it's so infuriating how vocational help for persons with psychiatric disorders in my country tends to be really hard and demanding work with really low pay like retail, cleaning, customer service...

I've only met one other person offline who gets the pressure of appearing highly functioning at work - he's a manager and copes in silent, "unhealthy"ways like I do.

Every day I'm grateful that I can work full time and earn enough for a decent life. I just wish my doctors wouldn't just focus on my functioning at work when I'm SO not functioning outside it. Sure I work yea great but I struggle to shower regularly, eat regularly, brush my teeth regularly... If I didn't live with my family where we split chores, I'd have piles of unironed and unwashed clothes. If my city wasn't so affordable for me to eat lunch and dinner out, I wouldn't be able to cook to feed myself since I'd get barked at for even trying to learn by my family.

Yea, and some people I've met have expressed envy that I've a supportive partner though we are LDR. I'm truly grateful for my partner, truly but I wish people will understand that LDR has its own challenges. I get why they envy me though, as they've unsupportive family like me and are single and desire to not be single. I just feel I'm a big strain on my partner.

Sorry for the rant. I really hope my T will understand.