Here is a long story about my last relationship which is depressing me lately and I'm just over thinking it for 3 months cause I can't understand why did this just happened to me and I wish someone to just tell me what was wrong with me to have a complicated relationship like this

Last year, I was dating a guy who is suffering from borderline personality disorder
He knew I was emotionally and sexually abused by my ex boyfriend and he was loving and caring he tried to get me out of depression my ex caused me, it was a long distance relationship and he was traveling to my town to see me, I was appreciating it and feeling guilty for not giving him the same love so I told him to leave cause I was afraid to wear him out and I wasn't actually getting over my ex

I got back to my 1st ex boyfriend and got abused and cheated on again, I know I was stupid but I think getting back to him made me know how selfish he was and giving him chances wouldn't fix his sick mind

The other guy with BPD was by my side when I broke up with my ex boyfriend again, days later he doesn't want to talk to me and he can't forgive me. I understand this maybe mood swings and I just distanced myself and didn't talk to him for 3 months I left the whole country and he didn't care actually

When I was back to Egypt I sent him a message blaming him for abandoning me he just said he was afraid of me to push him again and I was like wtf I still have feelings for you
We started talking again and he told me not to look back and the past is in the past, he traveled to see me again and we tried to fix everything, he told me he still loves me too and we should move together, I was falling for him and he was still having mood swings and he was leaving me for weeks without talking to me

I was understanding until he called me in our anniversary and told me that we wouldn't be fixing this and he is sick of me -like I'm the one who is ignoring him- I just broke down and I didn't discuss about it with him
I spent 3 weeks over thinking what If I talked to him and tried again, I just traveled to his home and he didn't want to talk about us he was just turning to another random topics like how life is going with him and his band -he is a guitarist in a rock band- and I was bothered and distracted, we were just acting like we never had issues in our relationship and he was kissing me he wanted to have sex with me but I refused and I was afraid of getting more attached to him and he was just telling me not to over think about what will happen and what will we do, but I couldn't and I left after 2 hours of begging him to let me go

Next day I called him to ask what is gonna happen he told me he doesn't have the energy to go through our relationship and this broke my heart cause I didn't have someone who is close to me, someone who understands me and my mental issues but him

He just told me he will always be there and we can talk whenever I felt down, I was happy that he wouldn't leave even if we are not still together, I sent him some notes I wrote about what was bothering me lately he was just seeing it and not replying so I stopped talking to him and I kept my notes to myself

After a month, last December he texted me blaming for not saying congratulations for him after the gig he had and I was too cold and I just told him I didn't know about it we are not friends anymore, I broke down many times thinking how stupid I was to say this but he was hurting me.
We didn't ever talk again and I can't get over him and I'm getting flashbacks from every abusive relationship I've been in, everytime I was rejected by someone, flashbacks I never had since my teenagehood. My mind is filled with voices telling me how ugly and insecure I am
thank you anyway for wasting your time in reading my useless and un organised thoughts