I think I've been seeing this psychologist for 6 months or so. She is great, and has managed to get further through the walls than anyone before. But some weeks, wow. Sometimes I'll go in, and barely open up at all, all the defences will come out and we wont really get anywhere.

Today, the guard came down a little. I really tried and I really felt every word that came out of my mouth. It felt, comfortingly terrifying. I know that I could have a full blown meltdown with her, and it'd be the safest place possible. But, if we touch on something that even remotely gives me a sense of emotional pain, I instantly retreat behind the walls. It was a constant battle for about 30 minutes of the session today, I felt like it was okay and it wasn't until she pointed out that I was talking more than usual that it actually occurred to me.

The second half of the session was as they normally are though, she did a lot of talking, suggestions of what we can try now that everything else seems to fail at giving me any relief from this depression. We sort of formed a bit of a new angle.

I just want to sit in there and not be allowed to leave until she knocks every brick out if the wall. Until I am better. I don't want to go out and try new angles. This is probably half my problem. But part the reason that I go to therapy is to avoid having to tell anyone in the real world how i'm feeling..

I dunno, this session has just left me feeling a little extra low.

I don't understand therapy. It's a weekly / fortnightly / monthly thing, we go, we sit with someone for an hour and that's it. Then we go back out into the world and its all just the same? Then we sit here and just feel completely hopeless and helpless until the next session.

Is this what it is? Is this how everyone walks out? What do people do to actually make it to the next session?

I hate this