This is probably too much info, hopefully, no one will find me here, in order for people to understand I have to divulge a lot of stupid things. This will probably be a bit long.

But over time I have made many tiny little mistakes, some that most people would shrug off. Nothing major but when you want to be in the field of Law Enforcement. There are mistakes you can’t fix. Things that make you fail a background test come to mind. Now the thing is once I figured out I loved this field I was set. I am excited about law enforcement and criminal justice. I loved my course studies, I loved intelligent conversations about it, I loved ride-a-longs and listening to dispatch calls. I loved going to court and watching proceedings. I love investigations and researching crimes/people. I like people being held accountable for their actions (ironic right?)

I know the old adage can be to blame your childhood, but I do think it helped mold some of the things that led me here today. See the thing is that my mom always did what “she had to do” to get by. Sometimes that meant committing sorts of fraud in order to get food or extra food, extra money, etc. Honestly working a fulltime job or two isn’t enough and neither is food stamps alone. So often I watched my mom do things to help us survive, but were illegal. I remember her friends did a lot of the same too. We moved across the country at one point. They paid the way doing false returns. I can’t recall exactly how it worked but I remember something about it being illegitimate.
Fast forward to being an adult. I’m an excellent worker, I’m smart, I learn quickly, I can do most tasks with ease. I am also quite resourceful and I am good at researching certain types of things. Occasionally I’m late, occasional I get burnt out and call out sick when I’m not sick (I never did this on super important work days).But overall I give 100 percent and take on a variety of other work tasks. So on a background, some of these things got me a failure for the category of being reliable.. There are oh, 6-10 categories on a background investigation, I can’t remember them all, but I will detail here how I fail them in their eyes.

During my early adulthood, I had to live at home. My mom had two children with a man she began to despise. He was just an A-hole in so many ways… emotionally unstable, couldn’t keep a job, couldn’t get a long, would get blackout drunk. After so many years of watching my mom get berated by her other former boyfriends, I had had enough. After a while I would jump and get involved in the verbal argument, and once I was so insanely infuriated I pushed on him. I wanted this man gone or hurt or dead; his anger, actions and activities just fueled my rage. After a while I was filled with such rage, I decided I had to move out, otherwise something stupid would happen. So I did, one crappy thing was is that I was only going to school part time and didn’t qualify for the car insurance full time discount, so I fudged that. I signed up for full time classes, printed my schedule and then dropped the classes. And justified it as “surviving” otherwise in my mind I couldn’t. I was working full time living on my own and going to school part-time, paying my credit cards I ran up at my private school in NYC and current school my mom couldn’t help me pay for.. Honestly I didn’t think of it as an illicit activity, I thought of it more as a breach of terms and conditions, “oh they’ll just cancel me, type of thinking” One time I found a credit card and tried to use it, just a moment of utterly dumb idea, I didn’t even really think about, then when I did I was disgusted and frightened.

Fast forward a few years, I think I didn’t do stupid stuff in between. Then I met my hubby moved to California. I had a hard time finding a job, finally got a meager part-time job at Kmart. I hated every moment of it. It was a terrible facility, gruesome job. I was a cashier. At one point they said your job performance is largely based on getting people to sign up for rewards. I struggled so much. I am not the best when it comes to smiling and all that jazz. I can help people find what they need and I can be friendly, but I am not a sales person. At one point, I was told “do what you need to” in reference to getting your rewards numbers up. So I did. Made fake rewards sign ups, not abusing people's info, of course, using my own alternate emails or my old phone numbers. Yea it was kind of shady. (So another strike against being trustworthy/making good decisions) But I needed the job. We were losing the house and I couldn’t get fired.

Eventually, I found another job as a loss prevention associate, at a discount store. Lame job. I liked it if we actually had the authority to stop stealing, but we didn’t. It was loss prevention through customer service. Ie) say “hello” to people if they look suspicious and observe and report. It was a waste of time for a barely above minimum wage job. It is important to note I did this job without doing anything ethically questionable. I did as much as I could to be on the up and up. Everything I did was at the request or command of a supervisor. Even doing so cost someone else their job. It was my job to report all behavior to management that was not up to the rules.

At some point, I don’t recall. My significant other had an immunization that he needed to take, he forgot and asked me to sign the form. Again not thinking anything of it. I did it. Years later I remember this during my background, I was honest because you are told, to be honest, and of course I got dumped (without explanation, but it wasn’t needed) and my husband nearly lost his job. He was spared with a reprimand and losing out on future job opportunities but only because he always is a stellar employee Always. It was so stupid, we didn’t hide anything or do it surreptitiously, we just didn’t think! After that, it’s a relatively small town. We were screwed. I went on one interview for dispatcher of a police department, passed, went through background and failed miserably. I can’t recall exactly but I failed on so many categories. I cried off and on for days. I knew it was a great chance but to fail on so many categories when many of my other employers loved me, it hurt. And I actually wanted this job! (I think it was reliability, decision making, trustworthiness, and a few others I can’t recall).

Sorry, this was so long, but I felt necessary for a complete picture. See I’m a failure at the career I wanted. I made a few small unfixable errors. Nothing major, I did no drugs as an adult (and as a teen I tried pot a few times and drank underage a couple of times, ironic considering all the drugs and alcohol my friends and parents did). I did do any violent physical offenses, dumb minor things that snowball
I’m tired of seeing the contrite, you can recover and still do what you want advice. No there are some fields, you cannot! So I had to share this here. How do I move on? Sometimes I’m okay but in life, I feel like a failure, sometimes seeing a cop car, watching a detective show or just hearing about my husband’s coworkers, makes me feel like a career loser. It actually makes me sad, sad enough to ruin my day or make me cry. And he doesn’t understand that. He thinks because I’m not a stripper or on drugs considering my childhood, that I’m doing okay, I'm successful enough. But Career wise I’m very sad. I’m in love with the field of my degree and I can’t do it. How do I move on? How do I find something else that fulfills me, when I’m already in my 30s and know all I want is something in Law Enforcement. At this point, I was told that I wouldn’t pass any background to worn in a police department. I don’t know what’s left and job wise I am not happy doing something that I am not passionate about. I feel so lost. When I was growing up I promised myself I wouldn’t be like my mom, without a reliable respectable career. Now I don’t know where to go but I know I struggle. I actually miss my career that I had envisioned. I long for it.

I know I did some dumb stuff and I should be held accountable for that. But any other relevant advice or suggestions would be appreciated. Just don’t say you might get a second chance, or explain it away and maybe they'll give you a shot.(or my mom's idea, lie and figure out a way to pass the polygraph!)
Law enforcement agencies tend to blacklist you with this kind of stuff. (please also no LE bashing).
I don't know if there's something out there if it's possible to fill my career void.