I had planned on telling T that I love her today but I couldn't do it. I had planned on telling her about this fantasy I have of her taking care of me like a young child and holding me while I cry and stroking my hair. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of these feelings and I don't want T to be creeped out by them.

I did manage to start off talking about some issues that have been going on between my mum and I and some family stuff but then I got stuck. T and I talked about my feelings around being stuck but I found it hard to concentrate on what she was saying because I was so busy trying to work up the courage to say what I wanted to say.

I thought I was making progress in trusting T and opening up but this seems like such a big step backwards. I just get so overwhelmed when I think of all the work I sill have to do and all the things that are still "wrong" with me. I keep flipping between wanting to give up and feeling as though my would fall apart without therapy. I have so many things I want to say but it is all such a jumbled mess.