Hello all. I'm ashamed to write this here because I feel like it'll reflect badly on me but I don't know who to talk to about this.

How do you handle jealousy?

I have been through childhood sexual and emotional abuse and I'm still living with one of my abusers and have been for the past 22 years who is also homophobic and doesn't accept me (I am desperately looking for a job so I could save up and move out). I'm working hard on myself in therapy. I don't have many friends at all but I joined Meetup.com to get out of the house and meet people, and so far it's been okay. I also got back into online dating. When I tried it at first, many people said on their profiles that they didn't like black people or found them attractive and I got turned off from it (I'm black, haha). I haven't seen things like that since I started so good sign! I grew up in and am still in poverty, which is why I took my education very seriously and I am the youngest person in my family to get a masters degree. I suffer from depression and anxiety (such as social anxiety) but I see a therapist. I just need medication as I've been feeling dead all of the time. I've always struggled with romance (mainly because of the abuse). I have no one who understands me. I am currently in the beginning stages of my gender transition so I'm definitely alone with that. To top all of that off, I just lost my cat of 17 years last week and it's so hard to cope with losing her. Basically, things have always been a struggle for me and my family.

My friend, on the other hand, has a large group of friends, lives in a house, is middle class, has a girlfriend of 5 years (LDR) and things just work out for him. He is going through something now but he has his girlfriend. We've been friends for almost 4 years now.

He tells me about how much he misses his girlfriend and he is such a kind soul so I always listen to him. But these days my depression has been so bad and, while I listen and try to help him, there's a voice in my head that says, "What is he complaining about? He has a girlfriend, he has a job, he lives in a house, he's only taking ONE class". After years of listening to him, I'm beginning to get jealous and I feel horrible because I can imagine how difficult it must be, being with someone and having them live miles away. I was in a LDR but, of course, it ended horribly after a month. I just feel so envious.

How do I deal with this jealousy? I really hope I don't get flamed on here...I'm being very vulnerable by posting this. It took a lot out of me to show this ugly side of myself and I could really use compassionate yet honest advice...Thank you.