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Anrea · Feb 02, 2017 at 01:40 PM

Later the same evening, after writing this, my husband came downstairs. I said to him," Are we doing some strange acting out of the mother and son relationship?" He said, "When you put it like that....", and grinned and sat down for a chat. We talked about what marriage is to us. What we are doing. If we like each other. It was the same as usual - a relaxed, smiling conversation where we both acknowledged feeling that invisible, but undeniable wisp of loving that moves in between us, and surrounds us. We work. Plain and Simple. For us, we work.

Perhaps it is the dynamic of 2 very wounded, messed up souls that found the perfect balm.

My husband had been terribly abused growing up. Think handcuffed to a basement pole for 3 days abused. He had even lived on the streets for awhile. When we met on the internet, he had gotten his own place, and had a job paying nearly double the minimum wage of the time. But he threw chance to the wind and moved 5 states away from everything he had known all his life, to take a chance on this relationship.

At first, it looked like everything would be fine. We both worked, until I got a 2nd promotion on a different shift, and we decided he should stay home.

Soon, the stress began to activate my untreated illnesses. I started to display more and more inappropriate emotions, until finally I was let go. This started a chain of events that led to a credit rating in the 300's, a repossessed car, and nearly losing my home. It has been an uphill battle.

When I cried to him that I thought I would lose the house, he said, "then we will live on the streets". For 5 years, I couldn't go anywhere alone. If I wasn't with my case care aid, my husband would be with me. The year I had agoraphobia, my husband rode a bicycle into town to get groceries. It's a 5 mile trip both ways. When I am too long in the bath, he comes and checks on me. Even if I am outside too long, he comes out to see that I am well. He says, "I am looking forward to changing your diapers when you get old and senile". I tell him to please remember to pluck my chin hairs too. He says smiling, "Only if you're good".

He was firmly against me giving him half the house. "That is not why I am here! How many times do I have to tell you, I am not here for the money!"

The other day I woke up from one of my med induced naps, to find my eyelashes dry and flaky. I put some oil around my eyes, and went upstairs to say something to him. He glanced up from what he was doing, and, looking alarmed, immediately asked me if I was okay, I looked like I had been crying due to the shine. If I had been, he would have stopped anything he was doing to help me through that rough patch. In December, when I barricaded us in the house and booby trapped the doors because I thought I had uncovered a fb code a criminal gang used to communicate - and they were clearly coming to kill me - he rode the storm out.

I did have him go to counseling the first 2 years we were together, but he didn't like participating in that, and mostly jerked her chain.

He has issues. But, since we have been together, the volcanic temper has become slow burning coals, only warmed by stirring. Last year we only had 2 arguments. He stopped drinking by the end of year 3. He has never hit me, and doesn't insult my feelings or my brain. If he does anything I don't like, I say something. Same for him. We are both able to be honest.

Maybe sometimes counseling cannot help people get over wounds as much as time. Perhaps, in some way, we are a loving older woman offering kindness and support to a younger man. And, a younger man giving an older woman a sense of being needed, in a world that doesn't need her. But we are also equals with respect for each other.

We both are committed to that.

Maybe, for people like us, marriage isn't as much creating and fulfilling dreams together - as it is, having someone who will help create a safe environment for us both. So we have very few triggers going off. So, we have the private space we need when the emotions are in upheaval, to sort through them without ridicule, accusations or interference. Perhaps, instead of living out a fantasy idea of what marriage is supposed to be, based on society's template, the two people must create their own unique situation. There is no set location for the bowls to be. Just because I always kept my bowls on the 1st shelf doesn't mean he was wrong to put them on the 2nd. Eventually, I learned things like that don't have a right or wrong. What's the big deal? So now, the bowls are on the 2nd shelf, and we use 2 tubes of toothpaste, as per my desire. We found what works.

My life prior to him was a crazy and unpredictable series of impulsive choices, never attained goals, and painful mistakes. Looking back on my road, I see terrible twists, turns, broken things abandoned along the way - until the road meets this man. It slowly begins straightening out. I can make sense of it.

Maybe the me that had gold and pink sparkly dreams in the air was the same me, that crashed and burned coming down. Over and over again.

Now, this small life has consistency.

And perhaps someday, he will be healthy enough to want to have more.

But, the same way he put up with my emotional outbursts and set backs, maybe he still needs more time. Just because he doesn't display his emotions in some dramatic display, doesn't mean he isn't still processing internal changes. He did just within the past year, begin talking to other humans beyond just typing. He interacts with a team of people, and is finally developing his first friendship outside of me. That is very healthy.

I feel better. It is understandable that a call - offering me a more adventurous life - would appeal to the old impulsive me. I have lived all over, and been pretty adventurous.

But learning to dive down to the still deep water, instead of staying tossed about on the surface takes choices and sacrifice. But, what I will gain from it will undoubtedly be better for my untamed inner core.

I needed you all. To get this out. Thank you, I feel better. <3 Peace