Thanks all for the your posts. In here I feel I'm the only one who keeps writing negative stuff as I do. I mean others are in pain, but rarely I see someone complaining that he/she is weak, crying, sobbing, want to die, saying life is suffering, and bringing children is a mistake, ... etc. Besides, I meant my post primarily in real life. Anything can throw me into despair. If someone doesn't answer my message within few hours I delete them from my contact list, if someone ignored me in any way I don't talk to them forever, .... etc. Also, people expect me at my age and my background to be proactive and initiate things, but I don't. I don't like to talk and participate.

My younger brother is very energetic and keep talking and smiling with people, and everyone likes him. It's not the same with me. No one even visits me. Last year I went home after being abroad for 3 consecutive years, and no one came and visited me, not even my extended family. As a reaction, now I don't want ever to see them or talk to them again, and see them as a bunch of devils. Actually, part of the reason I don't want to go home now is because of them. I have no place even between my own family who is supposed to support and embrace me no matter what. Of course, you would expect me to handle the situation more wisely. I cannot. I feel resentment and anger and frustration from people and from myself in putting myself in such situations. They want me to visit them and inflate their egos only. I don't do these things. Am I arrogant? I don't know. Maybe. But it hurts when I make myself small to connect with others, especially if all you experience is ignoring. The same goes with everyone else. Always my ego and pride are crushed when I try to reach out and connect with people. There is no respect whatsoever.

Recently I was talking with a professor in a conference about a potential job, and because I cannot connect properly and make small talks to gradually open the topic, I felt I was begging him for a job, although I didn't mention it at all because he ignored me before I was able to do so. I went home and cried (I'm a male in his mid 30s and cry because of talking to people) and didn't go out of my apartment for a week. Does this sound mature? It doesn't to me. I want to change it, because being ignored and not respected is the worst in the world, but also I cannot change it. I keep myself in the loop.