You need to start doing things differently in order to bring a different result.

Have you considered medication, therapy, group therapy, vitamin therapy, meditation, ECT, CBT group, CBT and DBT centered therapy?

When you isolate and are very emotional, and have sucidial ideation, as expressed in this thread, have you called crisis hotlines to talk to the counselors and volunteers? It can help to reach out and talk to another human being rather than to allow your mental pain to escalate. They can help you in the moment.

You are in too much pain. You cannot continue to allow yourself to be in this much pain as it is akin to self-harming.

You need to reach out to your health care provider, emergency crisis services, counselors, therapists, and anyone else in your community. You need to come up with some treatment plan.

It seems that CBT and DBT might be good for you as you tend to allow your thoughts and emotions escalate and you don't seem to use coping skills to help manage these symptoms.